Tonight I'm Giving Myself Permission to Just Be Sad

My Dad with his Grandson Trey. Trey was the only Grandchild he met.  Trey was 5 when Dad passed away.

   
     Today was a rough day for me.  I thought that after 17 years, I should be able to get thru the anniversary of Dad's death without being sad and letting it affect me like it does.   But, you know what?  I decided to give myself some Grace.  The loss of my Dad affected me deeply and profoundly.  News flash, I know, but I'm human!  Humans have feelings.  I have feelings.  Painful memories such as the loss of a close loved one, they resurface sometimes, and of course they would resurface on the Anniversary of his passing.  This is completely normal.  So I'm not going to tell myself not to be sad.  I'm going to allow myself to just be sad tonight, knowing that tomorrow is the Anniversary of his passing.  Even Jesus wept.  I miss my Dad.  I miss having a Dad.  He missed my Wedding.  He never met my Husband.  I was 25 when he passed.  So much life has happened since then.  I'm sad for all the things he has missed in my life, yet I would never want him back.  Selfishly, yes, but he is pain and worry free in heaven.  I listened to this song hundreds of times (alone in my apartment in WI, alone in my car) after his passing and shed lots of tears while listening to it.  Thanks to my Sister Pam who posted this song today and reminded me of it.  It has a healing effect for me, just listening to it again.  I'll warn you that the video itself is really lame, but the words.....the words touch me and bring me peace.

     I pray that if you need peace regarding the loss of a loved one, that this song would bring you some peace and comfort.

     Saturday Jonathan and I will celebrate our 7th Engagiversary, and 6 months of having Mookie in our lives.  I will allow myself to feel happy then.  But for tonight, I'm just sad, and that's ok.

The Thanksgiving Weekend I Didn't Know I Needed!

 At the risk of sounding like a Scrooge, I have strongly disliked the Holidays for as long as I can remember.  Just being real.  Rushing around here and there to get to at least 2 different Thanksgiving Celebrations and 2-4 Christmas Celebrations, during my hardest time of the year, stressed me out.  The fact that Dad passed away on December 8th, 17 years ago, didn't help me handle the holidays any easier.  Yes. I am an Extrovert.  Yes.  I love people.  But, I dislike rushing around trying to make it to every Holiday Celebration, so as to not upset anyone, while not taking care of me.

This Thanksgiving Weekend was hands down, the most relaxing and stress free Thanksgiving Weekend I have ever had.  This does not mean that every other Thanksgiving has been awful.  We have had some great Thanksgivings with Friends and Family, and we are so appreciative of all of the hard work that goes in to hosting Thanksgiving Dinners!  There are many things that play into why this was the most relaxing Thanksgiving I have ever had.  1.  This was the 1st time we have celebrated Thanksgiving in our own Home!  2.  We had a small, intimate celebration.  There were only 7 of us, plus Mookie.  3.  We didn't drive anywhere, not even for the day.  4.  This means we had 4 full days off together, at home, with no plans, and no driving. Mookie had a grooming appointment at 1:00pm on Friday, and that was the only thing we had planned.   I had so much time to just "be" in my own home, with my Husband, and my Dog.  It was glorious!

Thank you Jonathan, for all of the hard work you put into preparing our Feast.  It was delicious!  Also, thanks to Joel and Sandy and the boys for driving down from Grand Rapids to celebrate Thanksgiving with us.  It was so great to see you all!  I don't think God ever meant for us to get so stressed out over the Holidays.  Parties and gifts and appearances aren't the Reasons for the Season.  Jesus is the Real Reason for the Season!  He knows my Heart and He knows what I need, and it is truly liberating to have spent a Holiday exactly the way that I wanted to spend it.

So, if I don't show up for a Family Holiday Party.  Please don't take it personally.  This is just not my easiest time of year, and I need to take care of me.  So far, I'm doing a much better job of it than I have in years past.   Please understand, It's not that I don't want to see you.  It's just that other times of the year are easier for me to attend get togethers.

I am beyond Grateful for these past few days that I have gotten to be off work, in our home, with Jonathan and Mookie.  Life is Good!  We are Blessed! :-)

God is Good! Really?

     Can I just be honest for a few minutes?  When I hear the phrase "God is Good", it makes me mad, seriously mad!  Before you start judging me and preaching to me, let me explain please.  Whenever I hear "God is Good", or see it written on Facebook, it's usually in response to Good News, actually, it's always in response to good news!  Someone gets results that tumors have shrunk, or that the cancer is gone and there are a bazillion comments about how Good God is!   There are tons of "likes".  However, when someone posts about a cancer diagnosis or that the cancer has spread or that treatments aren't working, then people are quiet.  At least this is what I have observed over the years.  So, having the analytical mind that I do, I often thought, so God is only Good when people are cured or their prayers are answered in the way that THEY want them to be answered? 

   Well, what happens when the news is bad?  When prayers aren't answered in the way we WANT them to be answered?  Guess what Friends?  God is STILL GOOD in those times!  His Character doesn't change based on our circumstances.  However, I think people would be offended if they posted bad news and people commented "God is Good!"  But it's true my Friends!  He is ALWAYS ALWAYS Good!  But He isn't a puppet on a stick that we can control by praying!  He is All Knowing, All Loving, Always Present, and Always wants what is best for us.  It's taken me a very long time to realize that my Family and I are not the Victims.  Life is hard and we have had some hard things happen to our Family.  I'm glad I've learned the truth!  God is not out to get my Family.  God is using my Family for something far greater!  I'm praying he is using our Family to lead others to Christ, to help others, to serve others, with a Love that knows the pain of loss and cancer diagnoses and all of the ugliness that goes with these things.  Cancer isn't good, but God can use it for our Good and for His perfect plans.

    February of 2000 my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, just 2 months after my Dad (her Husband) passed away.  She was 47 years young at the time.  She has battled cancer more often than not over the past 16 years.  She has had more chemo and radiation over the past 16 years and worked full time up until a year ago, even though her cancer treatments are a full time job in themselves. She had 2 primary cancers. Breast cancer and bone cancer.  Last August her breast cancer from 15 years prior metastasized to her brain.  The cancer is no longer in her brain.  She is such a Fighter and seriously hands down the strongest woman I know.

     February of 2013 my FIL passed of lung cancer that metastasized to the brain. 

    April 15, 2015 my BIL Scott was diagnosed with a very rare form of Sarcoma called DSRCT, for which there is no cure.  He was 37 at the time.  He is Married to my Baby Sister and their kids are now 13, 11, 9, and 6.  When he has chemo, he has it for 40 hours a week.  It's a Full Time job!  Raising a Family with small children is challenging.  But, raising a family while dealing with cancer, I cannot even imagine.  God is Good!  Really?  Cuz the last time I checked, a cancer with no cure isn't good!!! 

     Last Evening I found out that Mom's breast cancer from 15 years ago has now metastasized to her lung.  If you heard this about your Mom, would your first instinct be to say God is Good?  No, it wouldn't be.  Cuz it wasn't for me.  But after having time to process, I can say that God is Good, even when the circumstances aren't. 

     I believe God will use all of the challenges my Family is currently facing, for our Good and for His Glory. 

     I can't say God is Good when someone is cured  Because it goes against my grain, knowing that the healing doesn't always come, and that God is still just as Good.  I will rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn.

     Would you please join me in praying for Scott, Debbie and the kids, and Mom and Don, along with all of us who love them?

God is the Reason for the Hope that I Have and I want everyone to know it! 

He is Good!  ALL the Time! :-)

Merry Christmas All! :-)

J-La-Sta

Happy Valentines Day To The Love Of My Life!!

It really is true what they say, that after you have been Married for a while, Valentine's Day isn't nearly as big of a deal as it used to be.  When I was Single I always felt left out and felt as if my Singleness was accentuated on that day.  Everyone else had a Valentine (or so I thought), but I didn't.  I have learned that Real Everyday Married Love goes so much deeper than the love that can be expressed on February 14th every year. 

Real Love is choosing to change unhealthy lifestyles together because of your love for the other person and your love for yourself.  Real Love is supporting each other thru caring for and watching a parent die of cancer.  Real Love is being there when your spouse is hospitalized and has surgery even though your Dad just died 2 days prior.  Real Love is going with each other to the grave sites of our earthly Fathers.  Real Love is going to support a loved one during a sentencing hearing.  Real Love is choosing to love each other even on days when we don't feel so lovable.  Real Love is living everyday life with all of it's stressors and ups and downs.

We have lived a lot of life in our 1317 days of Marriage.  The loss and struggles we have experienced together, have only made us stronger.  Together we have accomplished far more than we could have individually.  This Covenant Marriage is no doubt God's design.  We aren't the same people we were the day we got Married.  Jonathan hit his goal weight at weight watcher's today.  He is 115 pounds lighter than the day we got Married.  I have lost a lot of weight myself.  We are also debt free.  Both weight loss and debt loss require sacrifice and not giving in to our every whim and feeling and want.  Going thru these processes together has taught us discipline.  We are Happy!  We are Healthy!  We are Blessed!  We are Thankful!

I Love You Baby!  There is no one else I'd rather be doing life with!  Thank you for your extreme patience with me thru all of these lovely hormonal changes that no one warned me about!  You are the Best!  You are one of the hardest working, most caring, most loving, most accepting people I know!  Thank you for Daily Teaching me about Love and Grace!  I can't wait to share your 40th Birthday with you at Fenway Park!  I know we will feel God's presence and your Dad's presence in those precious moments together!  We leave on our NYC/Boston Trip in just 140 days!  In 144 days we will celebrate our 4th Wedding Anniversary and in 146 days we will be at Fenway Park celebrating your 40th Birthday while we watch the Red Sox hopefully beat the Yankees!  I cannot wait to experience that with you because I love You! 

Happy Valentine's Day Mr. Stanley!  I will love you until God calls me home...cuz...well...I am the "Cougar" in this Relationship! :-)

Here's to many more Valentines Days together, but most importantly, many more days of living everyday life together!

I am SO PROUD of You and Proud of the Man you are, have become, and are becoming! 

Love Always,


Mrs. Stanley

Have You Met My Dad?

If you have known me less than 15 years, you for sure have not met my Dad.   His name was Herbert William Latzke.  He was born on November 3rd, 1940 and passed away on December 8th, 1999.   Heaven has been his home since December 8th, 1999.  I can't believe it's already been 15 years of memories that we have made without him!  I was at a joint Memorial Service today for my Friend's Dad and Stepmom who passed away 9 days apart from each other.  Her Stepmom's Niece told us about her Stepmom, and a Friend of her Dad's told us about her Dad.  This gave me the idea, that rather than focusing on my loss tomorrow, I would write a blog post telling you all about my Dad.  I want to focus on his 59 years of life, rather than on my loss.  So, I will tell you things about my Dad to give you a glimpse into his life.

• He was his parent's 2nd born child.  He had an older brother, 2 younger brothers, and a younger Sister (all of whom are still living).

• He was born in Eagle River, WI.

• He grew up in Elkhart/Edwardsburg.  His Dad worked for Studebaker and owned an Avanti.

• He was 31 years old when he Married my Mom.

• He had 3 Daughters (I am the oldest).

• My Mom had a half hour labor with me and Dad had to deliver me at home.  I was almost born on the toilet.  They called him Dr. Latzke for like 3 years!

• He worked as a Realtor for many years in the 80's while I was growing up, but left that Industry due to the economy and needing a steady paycheck to provide for his family.

• He was working for Reese Products in Elkhart, IN when he passed away.  He had worked there for 9-10 years.

• He had an incredibly strong work ethic.  He worked very hard to provide for us.

• He loved God and had the best of intentions.

• He did not like change (hmm...wonder where I got that from?).  Every Sunday we had to sit in the 3rd pew on the Left side of the Church.  He was pretty territorial about this.

• He was a deep and analytical thinker, much like myself.  No one else in my Family thinks like I do, but he did!

• He was a strict German Lutheran.  The Old Red Hymnal was like God's Inspired Word to him, and if it changed it was the end of the World. Let's not even talk about the NIV version of the Bible!  He was King James all the way and the NIV was the worst thing ever!  Can you see a theme here about not liking change? :-)

• He called me Jen Jen.  I don't allow anyone else to call me this, not even Jonathan.  It hurts too much.  I once had someone call me this over and over, even after I asked him to stop.  Yeah, I don't talk to this person anymore. :-)

• He worried a lot.

• He frequently recited "This is the day that the Lord has made.  We will rejoice and be glad in it!".  Oh did I hate it when he would say that, but now it's one of my best memories of him.

• He was mechanical and fixed all of our cars.  Taking them to a garage to be fixed was not an option, even when I lived 200 miles away.

• He and Mom sacrificed a lot to send us to private Christian Grade School/High School.

• Deep down, he was a softie.  He got teary eyed quite often while watching TV.

• He owned a 1951 Kaiser when I was a little kid.

• He had a silly sense of humor.  He thought it was funny to say "Hey Jen, Where's Ben?".  Had I known a Ben, I would have told him where Ben was! LOL :-)

• He pulled me and one of my Sister's on a sled down State Road 23 to go to Martins for groceries during the blizzard of 1978.  Mom was pregnant with girl number 3 at the time.

• He didn't have the best singing voice, but he sure belted it out while singing at Church, singing praises to our God.   He didn't care what others thought. 

• He loved being a Grandpa to Trey.  Trey was 5 when Dad passed away.

• He got to walk 1 of his 3 daughters down the aisle at her Wedding (the middle Sister, Pam).

• He looked the most like his Brother Bill.  I always say if people want to know what Dad would look like now if he were still alive, just look at his Brother Bill!

• He had Lupus and learned to take life one day at a time while in the hospital, before he passed away.

• He frequently said "Jennifer, Pam, & Debbie" when trying to address just one of us girls. 

• His Favorite Bible Verses were Proverbs 3:5-6:  Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him,  and he will direct your paths.

So there you have it, a glimpse into the Man that I call my Dad!  He is never forgotten and always loved.  Happy 15th Anniversary of your entrance into Heaven, Dad!  I've grown up lots since you left, but I'm Happy and I'm so Blessed to have an Amazing Husband!  I love you!  See you soon!



~Jen Jen

Our Story Is Just Too Perfect To Be A Series of Coincidences!

“There are No real coincidences in life for those with faith strong enough to recognize coincidences for what they really are: intricate pieces of the providential design God created for each of our lives”
― Delia Parr, Love's First Bloom

 

     Six years ago my Small Groupies were helping me process my fears about a big upcoming change in my life.  I accepted a position at LM in Mishawaka and would be working 11:00 AM - 7:15 PM Monday thru Friday.  This was an answer to prayer!  I had been waitressing for 6 months and would seriously cry if I got a bad or non-existant tip because I was only making $2.13 an hour and needed to pay my bills!  Oh, and I would soon have health insurance again, which was something I didn't have for a year!  This was a GOOD change! :-)  Those who know me, know that change is hard for me.  The smaller the change the better! LOL :-)  I'm still having mini freak outs because the new coat I bought this week isn't as warm as my old one was!  See, I told you I have a hard time with change!  I often allow my fears, whether rational or not, to rule my mind and sabotage any excitement I have about an upcoming change in my life. 

 

     In regards to this particular life change, I was convinced that I would no longer have a social life since I worked till 7:15pm.  Most of my friends started work at 8:00 AM.  No one would want to meet me for dinner at 7:30pm, and I couldn't be involved at Church because most things started at 6:30pm!  This was a big deal and a real fear!  My small group jokingly and lovingly asked, "So do you think your friends will turn into pumpkins at 7:15pm?"  Well, when they said it that way, it was funny!  Of course not! LOL  Most people do not go to bed at 7:30 PM.  We still joke about it to this day!  Eventually I got into my new routine and yes, friends did still meet me for Dinner, and a Sunday night small group began, which was a HUGE Blessing for me! 

    Those who know me, also know that I am a huge numbers and dates gal!  I started my new job on March 17th, 2008.  It was because of working in the same building, that I eventually met and started dating Jonathan (who had started working at LM just 5 months before I did).  Our first date was October 9th, 2009 (Thanks to Sara and Doug!!!).  We got engaged December 10th, 2010 and we were Married on July 8th, 2011.  I was 37.5 years old and Jonathan turned 36 just two days after the wedding.  About a year after we got married, Jonathan was asked by his Dad to be his power of attorney.  His Dad had lung cancer and needed our help.  He was hospitalized many times and was in a nursing home the last 5 months of his life.  Jonathan stepped up to the plate to help get his Dad the care he needed.  Those were 5 difficult months, but we treasure the memories and time spent with K-Man.  He knew he was loved!  His Dad passed away on February 26th, 2013.  We planned the Memorial Service on the 27th and the 28th I was admitted to the hospital and 2 days later had my dead and gangrenous gallbladder removed.  I was released the next day and went straight to his Dad's memorial service.  Wow!  Last year at this time was rough, REALLY, REALLY rough, but we were so blessed to have each other for support and encouragement.  Jonathan took great care of me! 

 

     Fast forward to December of 2013.  Jonathan applied for a different position at LM.  It was a long process and he had to give a presentation.  He was notified on the 1 Year Anniversary of his Dad's death (February 26th, 2014, that he GOT the new Position!  He is being promoted!  I am so PROUD of him and excited for him!  I know he will do a great job and this job will better utilize his many talents!  He starts his new position as Trainer on Monday, March 3rd, 2014! :-)

 

 

 

     Here is the best part of this whole story for this "numbers gal"!  The first new hire class that Jonathan will train, starts on March 17th, 2014.  My 6 year Anniversary at LM is on March 17th, 2014!  If anyone would have told me on March 17th, 2008 (my first day at LM in the training class), that 6 years from today I would be Married to the new Trainer at LM, I NEVER would have believed it!!!!!  First of all, I never thought I'd get married, even though I really wanted to, and secondly, I was completely against being friends with anyone from work! LOL  Thanks to Holly for not listening to me when I told her I didn't make friends at work! LOL  If it weren't for her, I probably wouldn't have even considered dating someone who worked in the same building as I did! 

 

Wow!  Just Wow!  This numbers girl is very happy!  So many things happened that I believe were orchestrated by God to get us to the point we are at now!  I don't believe it was just a bunch of coincidences.   I'm so thankful God brought us together and continues to shower our lives with His Blessings!  I love you Jonathan!  I'm your biggest Cheerleader and I am so very proud to be called your Wife!  We have a lot to celebrate this weekend in Chicago and a lot to celebrate on Monday, March 17th! :-)

 

 



Dear December, I'm Starting To Like You! :)

Hello December,

I honestly don't remember a time when I didn't dread your coming, and did anything other than merely survive your visit!  I've never been a fan of cold weather, but the darkness your weather brings, does not help my situation.  It exacerbates my depression and it makes me want to hibernate, sleep, and eat cookie dough, LOTS and LOTS of cookie dough!  Oh, and I did spend many a December eating lots and lots of cookie dough!   It helped me feel better in the moment, but made me feel worse long term as my pant size kept moving up and up. 

Fourteen years ago something happened during your annual visit, that hurt me so very deeply and changed me forever.  My life would never be the same. Nor would I.  December 8th, 1999 my earthly Dad passed away.  He was 59 years old.  My Mom was now a 47 year old widow.  While the majority of my friends were  (and some still are) losing their Grandparents to death, I was experiencing the loss of my Dad.  I was 25 years old. My two Sisters were 24 and 21 years old.  

December of 1999 I was single and still trying to find my place in life.  I was still figuring out who I was.  Looking back, the new and improved 39 year old version of me sees that I was "just a baby" back then!  Since 1999, I have quite honestly hated you December! I'm just being real!  We were all still numb and in shock when Christmas Day came, just 2 weeks after Dad's funeral.  We, of course celebrated Christmas, but we were all just going thru the motions.  I was living in Wisconsin at the time.  I spent many a night alone and crying in my Apartment in Cudahy, WI.  

So now you know why I hated December, if you didn't already know!  It's the darkest month (I get Seasonal Affective Disorder), my Dad passed away in December right before Christmas, and being single for as long as I was, my singleness was only accentuated around the Holidays.  December used to only mean darkness, sadness, and loneliness for me.

Eleven years would pass before I would experience one of the happiest moments of my life, which happened to be in December.  December 10th, 2010 my now Husband Jonathan, asked me to marry him!!! :)  I of course said YES! :)  Here's a pic taken by my friends Chris and Holly the night of our engagement! :)

For the first time in eleven years, I had a happy event happen in my life in the darkest month of the year!  Thanks for that, Jonathan! :) We were Married on July 8th, 2011 and Christmas 2011 and 2012 we started making our own traditions.   I finally felt like I belonged and I finally had my Family! :)  He is my earthly rock! :)

Today is February 1st, 2014, and I just realized I never finished/posted this blog! Oops!  Better late than never, right?! :)  Anyways, last year (Dec of 2012), we had our 1st Annual Winter Solstice Party on December 21st.  I decorated with cheery, bright yellow decorations, and we celebrated the darkest day of the year with friends, knowing that from that day forward, we would be gaining daylight minutes!  YAY!! Now that's a reason to celebrate!  We had our 2nd Annual Winter Solstice Party on December 21st, 2013 and it was again, a huge success.  Everyone had a wonderful time, especially me! :)

The Winter Solstice Party Peeps, minus Matt, the Picture Taker (He didn't want to be in the pic anyways)!


 

Jonathan and I had a wonderful Christmas!  We spent Christmas Eve at my Sister's in St. Joseph, MI with immediate family.  It was great to be with Mom, Don, Grandma, and my Sister's and their Families (and of course my Hubs too!)! :)

Me and My Mom!



Me and My Hubby!

Christmas Day it is our tradition for it to be just us, hanging out at home together, with nowhere to be!  It was wonderful, as always! 

I also had lots of countdowns going on in December for my 40th Birthday, 40th Birthday Party, and our trip to Aruba (all in January). 

So, December, even though you still aren't my favorite month, I have to admit that I'm starting to like you, and making the most of your visit! :) 

See you in 10 months! :)

Love,


J-La-Sta

Live & Love With URGENCY!!!!

 

Life is short!  You may be thinking, "Yes, I have heard this many times before...blah blah blah!"  I know we have all probably heard this saying hundreds of times in our lives, but do we really believe it?  If we do really believe it, are we living like it is true? 

"Learn to live life with a sense of urgency, because even if you get to live a long one, it's still incredibly short.  Don't save things for a special occasion.  Go out and do the things you want to do, tell people how you really feel, and stop wasting time and energy on things that really don't matter."  AwesomeLifeTips.com

I'll be the first to admit that I'm a saver.  Friends gave us a bottle of chocolate wine as a Thank You gift in April.  I'm saving it for our 2 year Anniversary in July!  :-)  If it weren't for my Husband, I probably wouldn't have a whole lot of fun.  We really balance each other out!  I help him save more and he helps me spend more.  We make a great Team!  I think saving for Retirement is a very good and responsible thing to do.  However, I also know many people who never made it to Retirement age before they were called home to Heaven.  We are taking the advice of my late Father-In-Law and, while being financially responsible, we are planning to travel now, while we are relatively young and healthy.  There are no guarantees in life.

The following portions of Scripture also point out how short life is:

"Teach us to realize the brevity of life so that we may grow in wisdom." Psalm 90:12 NLT

“Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be.  Remind me that my days are numbered—how fleeting my life is. " Psalm 39:4 NLT

     Our days are numbered!  Two weeks ago a 6 year old girl was murdered by her father in our apartment complex.  This week I attended a visitation for a co-worker who was in his 20's.  A 22 year old son of a lady from my former Church died this week as a result of injuries suffered when he was shot 6 months ago.  A friend's Brother died at age 41 last year.  My Dad was 59 when he passed away on 12/8/1999.   My Husband's Dad was 67 when he passed away this February 26th.  You get the idea.  Not everyone lives to be 90 years old!  I've heard friends say things like "I'm not ready to lose my Mom/Dad yet!"  No one is EVER ready to lose a loved one!  However, when we will lose loved ones is completely out of our control.  It is up to God.  Loss hurts and it stings deep.  You never "get over it"!  But God is Good and He will heal your heart and enable you to comfort others with the comfort you have received.

     Those who know me, know that I am a Numbers Gal!  I love dates and numbers and countdowns! :)   I was blessed to have 25 Years 11 Months and 5 Days of having an earthly Dad.  That's 9,470 days!  My Dad has already been in Heaven for 13 Years 6 Months 1 Week and 1 Day.  That's 4,939 days!  A new Chapter of my life began when I started getting to know my now Husband.  That was 3 Years 8 Months and 1 Week ago!  That's 1346 Days!  My Husband and I were talking about what we miss about his Dad who passed away 3 Months and 3 Weeks ago.  Only 110 days ago.  He then asked me what I miss most about my Dad.  I told him I miss the fact that my Dad was analytical and the most like me, and the one person in my family who "got" me.  I've been thinking about my Husband's question a lot.  After 13.5 years, so much of my adult life has been lived without my Dad, that it's sometimes hard to remember what I miss about him.  There are now so many memories that don't include him.  This makes me sad.  No one can ever take his place, but last Father's Day was Awesome!  For the first time since my Dad passed away, I had a Father figure in my life....my Father-In-Law.  He loved me to pieces and always told me how great I was and how Jonathan and I light up a room when we walk into it, etc. etc. etc.  I miss him so much!  This is my Husband's first Father's Day not having an earthly Father.  Please keep him in your prayers.

I want to live my life as if everyday will be my last, or the last of those around me.  I am FAR from perfect, but I know if I look at life in that light, that I will treat others better.  I want them to see Jesus in me.  I want others to know that they are loved unconditionally, with an everlasting love!  I want them to know that there is life, hope, laughter, love...both here and in Eternity!

Will you do it?  Will you Live and Love like today is your last and/or the last of those around you?

Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13

Sudden Death vs. Anticipatory Grief

     Loss sucks!  Grieving sucks!  It's some tough stuff, and far from easy!  Death is very final.  It isn't fair!  Life isn't fair!  Yes, as Christians, we have peace and comfort in knowing that we will see our loved ones, who also love Jesus, in heaven again someday.  But we carry the pain of the loss of our loved ones with us for the rest of our earthly lives.  As time passes, the waves of grief grow fewer and farther between, but they still come.  These waves of pain come on our loved one's Birthday, on the anniversary of their death, and on important and meaningful events in our lives, like weddings, or the birth of a child..  It's not like just because we know they are in heaven and we will see them again someday, that we don't struggle with the loss and the void that is forever left in our lives, that no one else can possibly ever fill.  That's just completely unrealistic.  Even the Bible says "Jesus wept".

     I dealt with grief from a sudden death when my Dad passed way 12/8/1999 at the age of 59, from complications related to his Lupus.  I was 25 years old at the time.  My parents were still married at the time.  My Mom was a 47 year old widow and 2 months later was diagnosed with breast cancer.  She has now battled cancer for 13 years.  She is the strongest woman I know!  My Dad wasn't at my wedding.  No one else could fill that void.  No one is ever ready for the loss of a loved one, but with my Dad, I didn't see it coming.  A lot of deaths are like that.  No notice, no time to say good-bye, or to say the things you wished you had gotten to say.

     Recently I've been reading about a form of grief called "anticipatory grief".  "Anticipatory grief" is when you know the grief is coming, but it just hasn't arrived yet.  Per Edward Meyers, in his book, When Parents Die, "A sudden death hits you like an explosion," Myers explains, "and sends you into shock, whereas a slow decline arrives more like a glacier, massive and unstoppable, grinding you down."  My Husband and I are in the midst of anticipatory grief.  Eleven days ago, my Husband's Dad's Dr, called him to let him know that his Dad's lung cancer had spread to his brain.  His Dad is 67 years old.  He has a large tumor on the left side of his brain.  He was hospitalized for 10 days.  He is now back at the nursing home.  There is no cure.  He wouldn't survive surgery.  He is halfway thru his radiation treatments.  The radiation will not cure him, it will only help decrease the symptoms.  He is getting progressively worse.  Having experienced the grief from a sudden death, and now experiencing "anticipatory grief", I found Myers description to be extremely accurate! 

"Anticipatory grief does feel heavy, and it is unstoppable, dragging you down. But that quote from Myers made us stop and think. The alternative to a slow death is a quick death. What if mom had died suddenly in a car accident? Or had a massive, fatal heart attack? We would have missed these past months of closeness. The time to say the things we wouldn't have had time to say, to give the hugs, to share in one more meal, one more picture, one more smile. We have had the time to say good-bye. There will be no regrets on that frontier." via this blog. 
 

It is very hard watching Keith's health decline.  We are exhausted, both physically and emotionally, but we will have no regrets.  We have had almost 5 months of "closeness, hugs, telling him we love him, showing him we love him, visiting with him, calling him, etc, etc."  I had regrets when Dad died, I still do.  But, I also didn't have to watch him slowly decline, and didn't have to see him suffer.  I am in a much better place in life now.  I am more established.  I am older.  Yes, loss is hard at any age.  But a 25 year old doesn't expect to lose a parent that early in life.  I am thankful Jonathan and I have each other to lean on for support during this difficult time.  I am also thankful that we will have no regrets when God calls Keith home, and that we heeded God's calling to step up and care for Keith.  We love Keith because God first loved us.  Thank you to those of you who sent him a Christmas card or any other type of card!  He was overwhelmed by your outpouring of love and support!  He knows he is loved, by God and by us, and that is all that matters.

Please keep Keith and our family in your prayers during the days, weeks, and months ahead. 

Thank you! :)

Lamentations 3: 21-26:

²¹ Yet I still dare to hope
when I remember this:

²² The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
His mercies never cease.
²³ Great is his faithfulness;
his mercies begin afresh each morning.
²⁴ I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;
therefore, I will hope in him!”

²⁵ The Lord is good to those who depend on him,
to those who search for him.
²⁶ So it is good to wait quietly
for salvation from the Lord.

Random Thoughts By J-La-Sta

1. My husband and I need a break from life.
2. It's been 7 weeks today since Jonathan's Dad went into the hospital and J started the process of becoming POA for his Dad, which changed our lives dramatically.
3. I will never again say "this is a piece of cake compared to what I went thru alone as a single person".  As soon as I said that, God started to challenge us!
4. I hate the end of daylight saving time.
5. I hate these short days.
6. I know that I start to feel better after the New Year starts.
7. Only 36 more days till we start to gain daylight instead of losing it.
8. I am thankful that my my mammogram came back normal! 
9. I'm thankful Jonathan's Dad was approved for Medicaid.
10. I HATE cancer.  I hate what it does to my Mom and I hate what it is doing to my FIL.
11. I can't believe December 8th it will have been 13 years since my Dad passed away.
12. I got an email from parents.com informing me my baby is the size of a cantaloupe at 21 weeks.....UMMM.....Really???  Do they know something I don't?  Our plate is already quite full!
13. It's a challenge to stay positive when there is so much negative going on in the lives of those we love.
14. I know God has a plan and will work things out for the good of those who love Him, but it doesn't mean we don't get weary, stressed, and sad.
15. Speaking of SAD, I hate Seasonal Affective Disorder and what it does to me.
16. There will always be people who have things "easier" than you, and there will always be people who have things "much harder" than you.
17. Sometimes life just sucks and is incredibly overwhelming.
18. My Vitamin D levels were great, much to my surprise!
19. We are both looking forward to having 4 very much needed days off in a row for Thanksgiving!  Only 5 more days of work for me and 6 more days of work for Jonathan.
20. We plan to treasure time with loved ones over the Holidays.  Life is short and we need to savor the memories.

Happy 13th Birthday In Heaven Dad!

November 3rd, 1940 Herbert William Latzke, who would later be my Dad, was born in Eagle River, WI.  Yep, he would have been 72 years old today!  He spent 59 years on this earth and passed away on December 8th, 1999.  So much has changed since then, in the world, and in our family.

 

 

THEN:

November 3rd, 1999 (Dad's 59th Birthday):

• I was 25 years old. 

• I was living in Cudahy, WI.

• I called you to wish you a Happy Birthday.

• I was working 2nd shift and overnights, with at-risk teens, at Calvary Academy in South Milwaukee, WI.

• I was single and thought I'd never get married.

• My Nephew Trey (Dad's only Grandchild at the time) was 5 years old

• Bill Clinton was President of the United States.

• We couldn't have comprehended that less than 2 years later, 9-11 would terrorize our Nation.

• Mom was cancer free.

NOW:

November 3rd, 2012 (Dad's 13th Birthday in Heaven):

• I am 38 years old (yet somehow I haven't aged one bit!) 

• I have been living back in South Bend, IN for 5.5 years (Yes, I know I said I'd NEVER move back to South Bend! I am older and wiser and have learned to never say never!)

• I can't call you to wish you a Happy Birthday, but I will be thinking of you all day.

• I have been working at an Insurance Company for 4.5 years.

• I have been married to an Amazing man named Jonathan for 16 months.

• My Nephew Trey (Dad's 1st Grandson) is now 18 years old!  There are now 4 more Grandchildren that Dad never got the chance to meet.  No, I did not have quadruplets! LOL :)  Lexi will be 10 tomorrow,  Hannah is 8, Tyler is 6 and Myles just turned 3. 

• Barack Obama is President of the United States.  The Presidential election is in 3 days and I cannot wait for it to be over!

• We are living in a post 9-11 world, and the world seems to be getting more and more violent.

• Mom has been battling cancer since 2 months after you passed away (February, 2000)

Life has changed since you went home to heaven Dad, in wonderful ways, and in some not so wonderful ways.  But one thing that won't change, is that I will always love you and miss you!

 

 

Happy 72nd Birthday Dad!  See you soon!

 

 

Love,

 

 

 

Jen Jen

 

 



J-La-Sta's First Thankful Thursday!

"If a fellow isn't thankful for what he's got, he isn't likely to be thankful for what he's going to get."   Frank Howard Clark

If you are anything like me, it's sometimes hard to be positive in a world filled with some "not so positive things"!  For me at least, it doesn't take work to dwell on the negatives, but it does take effort to count my blessings"!  While I was walking at the Mall today, I decided that I would start a new thing on my blog called "Thankful Thursday".  This week I had thought about keeping a daily journal of blessings.  This is kind of right along the same line with that idea.  I want to cultivate an "Attitude of Gratitude"!   This is just one of the ways I plan on doing that.  I am trying to live life in the present rather than in the past or future.  So when I list the things I am thankful for on my blog each Thursday, I will focus on things I am thankful for today and this week, not what I'm going to be thankful for next month.  So, here are the things I am thankful for (in no particular order) on this first "Thankful Thursday":

I'm thankful that this Father's Day was the 1st Father's Day I had a Father-In-Law.  This Father's Day was the best Father's Day I've had since my Dad passed away in 1999.  It wasn't that I didn't miss my Dad this Father's Day, cuz I did.  I think anyone who has lost a Mother or Father feels the loss much more acutely each Mother's Day or Father's Day.  It's completely normal, no matter how long it's been since your parent passed away.  I decided to honor my Dad's memory by going to visit his grave.  This Father's Day was different than the past 12 Father's Days, in that this was the first year I had a Father-In-Law.  My husband and I took him out to eat and celebrated the fact that he was out of the hospital!  Not only do I now have a Father-In-Law, but I have a Father-In-Law who thinks I'm awesome and who has told Jonathan numerous times recently, "She is a gem!  You couldn't have done any better!  She is a real pleasure to be around!" It feels good to be valued so highly by an earthly "Father figure" in my life. 

I'm thankful for so many hours of daylight.  Yesterday was the Summer Solstice, which means that it was the longest day of the year!  I love light!  I love the long days!  Summer is my best time of year and I'm thankful that it's here!  I plan to enjoy it!  I have much more energy this time of year!

I'm thankful my Mom is a fighter and I'm blessed to still have her in my life.  I saw her today while I was walking at the Mall.  She was working.  She continues to work full time.  She has battled cancer for 12.5 years.   She was first diagnosed at age 47 and she is now 59.  She is a Survivor! :)  She is currently getting 10 chemo shots a day for 5 days a week.  That's 50 shots a week!  They are very painful for her!  Yet she still works full time and continues to smile and have a positive attitude.  Continued prayers for her are appreciated!

I'm thankful my husband and I have the opportunity to work overtime at work.  While so many people are without work, we are blessed to have the opportunity to work more hours, which means more money, which means we can pay off debt faster and have extra money for our upcoming vacation.  We both have job security! :)

I'm thankful I have had today all to myself.  I work on Saturday so I had today off work.  It's so great to have a day to spend by myself!  I love my husband and I also love having some alone time once in a while!  I'm blessed!  I went to the BMV to renew my plates, I walked at the Mall, and now I'm hanging out at home.  It's been a great day off!

I hope my "Thankful Thursdays" will encourage you to also have an "Attitude of Gratitude"!  :)

What are you thankful for today?



After Years of Searching, I Found My Home!

All 3 Pics were taken by my SIL Sandy of Sandra Ellen Photography in Grand Rapids!

My Moves During College (6 times if I'm counting correctly):
August 1992 - Moved from South Bend, IN to College in Milwaukee, WI - Lived in dorm.
May 1993 - Moved back to South Bend, IN for the Summer
August 1993 - Moved back to College in Milwaukee, WI - Lived in dorm.
May 1994 - Moved from dorm to an apartment on campus for the summer.
August 1994 - Moved from summer apartment to another apartment on campus for the school year.
May 1995 - Moved to another apartment on campus for the summer and following school year.

My Moves Since College (Yep, 15 times in 15 years)
May 1996 - Graduated College - Moved to an off campus apartment in Milwaukee, WI with a friend.
August 1997 - Moved to Greenfield WI to my own apartment when roomie got married.
May 1998 - Moved to South Milwaukee, WI where I lived where I worked.
September 1998 - Moved to Cudahy, WI where I had my own apartment again.
July 2001 - Moved to Denver (Aurora), Colorado for a job and lived where I worked.
February 2002 - Moved back to WI and lived in Oak Creek, WI with a family who are friends of mine
November 2002 - Moved into my own apartment in Milwaukee, WI.
March 2004 - Moved into another apartment in West Milwaukee, WI, which was right across the street from where I worked at the time.
October 2006 - Moved to West Allis, WI by New Berlin, WI border.
May 2007 - Relocated back to my hometown of South Bend IN and lived with my Grandma in Granger, IN.
September 2007 - Moved to Autumn Lakes Apartments in Mishawaka, IN with a friend.
March 2008 - Moved into a house with 2-3 other women in Mishawaka, IN and rented a room.
June 2009 - Moved into a Condo in Mishawaka, IN that I shared with the Owner.
July 2010 - Finally got back on my feet and moved into my own Apartment at Irish Hills Apartments in South Bend, IN.
July 2011 - I moved from my 1 bedroom apartment into a 2 bedroom apartment with my husband, at the same apartment complex in South Bend, IN.

I HATE MOVING! 
Wouldn't you if you had moved so many times?

Moving is the third most stressful event in life, following death and divorce. (from: Employee Relocation Council).  Moving is trauma, ranked right up there with getting a divorce, losing a job or burying a loved one.

I dealt with the loss of my Dad alone and have moved SO many times by myself, that with all of that stress, God must be preparing me for something huge! :)

"For the two of us, home isn't a place. It is a person. And we are finally home.”
― Stephanie Perkins, Anna and the French Kiss

This is my favorite Engagement Pic!  Sandy is a very talented Photographer! :)

I'm so thankful that we are staying put for a few years!  The only reason we would move, is to buy a condo or a house!  It's nice to have some consistency and stability for a while! :)

All of this moving really has taught me that

"Home Is Where The Heart Is!"

I Am SO Excited For My 2nd Baptism on Easter, April 8th, 2012!!!

Ever since my Dad passed away on December 8th, 1999, Easter has been my favorite Holiday!  Why?  Because of the comfort the Resurrection brings, and what it means in the life and death of Christians. My Dad loved the Lord and trusted in Jesus as his Savior.  I know I will see my Dad again in heaven.  On December 11th, 1999, we said "good-bye" to my Dad, but it really wasn't good-bye.  It was more like "see you later!".  I know I will see him again when I get to heaven! :) 

A few weeks ago at Church, they mentioned they were going to have Baptism on Easter weekend this year.  I had been considering getting baptized again for a few years, but when I heard it was going to be done on Easter Sunday, I knew this was my time!  What better way to spend my favorite Holiday, then by getting Baptized?! :)

I am SO thankful that my parents raised me in the Christian faith!  I was baptized the 1st time at only a few weeks old.  My 2nd Baptism will in no way diminish my 1st Baptism.  If anything, it shows that my parents raised me to love Jesus and to follow him.  I am very thankful for that!

So what does my 2nd Baptism mean to me?  It does not mean salvation. I know I am going to heaven because I believe in Jesus as my Savior.  I believe Jesus saves, not that baptism saves.  I like the way my Pastor says that we cannot choose Baptism without Christ already having worked in our hearts.  I cannot on my own choose to follow Him.  No one can come to faith in Christ on his/her own!  I'm thankful my Pastor and my Church believe that.  My Pastor suggested we read and study the Apostles Creed prior to getting baptized.  That is what my Church believes. That is what I believe.  To me, my 2nd Baptism is an outward symbol of my inward commitment to Christ. It is my way of saying "Here is what God has already done for me! I am committed to following Him!" Just like my Marriage to Jonathan was my public display of my commitment to love, honor, and cherish him for the rest of my life, so my Baptism is my public display of my commitment to follow Christ for the rest of my life.  By the way, I am getting baptized on the 9 month anniversary of our marriage.  The 8th was the day dad died, but now the 8th will hold happier memories!  I married the love of my life on the 8th, and I will be Baptized again on Easter Sunday, which is also the 8th! :)

On April 8th, 2012, I will be picturing the Lord saying to me "This is my daughter, whom I love, with her I am well pleased!",  just as He said to Jesus when He was Baptized at the start of his public ministry.  I am so thankful that my Husband, my friends Sarah & Mike, and my Church family will be there to support me!

I wish you all a Blessed Easter filled with His love! :)

Home For Christmas

December 8th, 1999 was a life changing day for me and my family.  That is the day the Lord called my 59 year old Dad (Herbert William Latzke) home to heaven, leaving my Mom a 47 year old widow and my 2 sisters and I ages 25, 24, and 21 without an earthly Father.  Our world hasn't been the same since then.  Yes, life went on, but it has never been the same. Two months after Dad died, Mom was diagnosed with cancer.  Twelve years later, my Mom has been married to Don for 10 years, my Sister Pam has been married to Eddie for 16 & a half years, my Sister Debbie has been married to Scott for 10 & a half years, and I have been married to Jonathan for 5 months! :) Now we have our new normal.  December 8th is never an easy day for me.  I think Dad dying so close to Christmas has made Christmas a not so fun time for me.  However, this year I get to spend Christmas with my husband. My family is strong and I believe God has used our experiences to mold us into stronger people who can be there to comfort others as they grieve losses in their own lives. Everything happens for a reason.  I found this description about grieving the loss of a parent and I see it as being very accurate to the feelings I have experienced, so I wanted to share it with you.

"Remember, you have every reason to grieve. A parent’s death often leaves adult children with a sense of abandonment and even panic that catches us by surprise. But why are we caught off guard when the death of the "ma-ma" or "da-da" whose name we struggled to utter as tiny tots leaves us reeling or depressed or sleepless? We may have lived enough years to be an adult but we will always be a child in relation to our parents. Even if we find ourselves "parenting our parents" before their deaths, it is the parent of our youth and childhood that we bury. And, as author R. Scott Sullender says in Losses in Later Life, "The world is a different place after our parents die." Seldom are we, as adults, ready for a parent’s death. We may be busy building our careers or raising our families; we may be spending our free time traveling or seeking to settle down; we may be living close by or a continent away from our parents. Whatever the circumstances, it is virtually impossible to prepare ourselves emotionally for the loss.Well-meaning friends and others may seek to console us by saying, "Your mother lived a long, full life" or "Your dad was suffering so much- surely it’s a blessing." But those phrases ring hollow when it is our beloved mother or our dear dad who lies in the casket. Even if we experience a strong sense of relief mixed with our grief, the sorrow is very deep and very real."  Judy Ball

Here is a picture of my Dad's grave which was taken sometime after his funeral on December 11th, 1999.  He truly was "Home For Christmas". This will be his 13th Christmas in heaven.  I have also included the poem the Pastor read to the family in the basement of the Church before my Dad's funeral began. 

My First Christmas in Heaven
by Unknown

I've had my first Christmas in Heaven,
A glorious, wonderful day!
I stood with the saints of the ages,
Who found Christ, the truth and the Way.
I sang with the Heavenly choir:
Just think! I who loved to sing!
And, Oh! What celestial music
We brought to our Savior and King!
We sang the glad songs of redemption,
How Jesus to Bethlehem came,
And how they had called His name Jesus,
That all might be saved through His name.
We sang once with the angels,
The song that they spoke that blest morn
When shepherds first heard the glad story
That Jesus, the Savior, was born
O dear ones, I wish you had been here.
No Christmas on earth could compare
With all the rapture and glory
We witnessed in Heaven so fair.
You know how I always loved Christmas;
It seemed such a wonderful day,
With all of my loved ones around me,
The children so happy and gay.
Yes, now I can see why I loved it.
And Oh, what a joy it will be
When you and my loved ones are with me,
To share in the glories I see.
So, dear ones on earth, here’s my greeting,
Look up till the day dawn appears,
And Oh, what a Christmas awaits us
Beyond our parting tears.

I love you and miss you Dad! You are never forgotten and always loved!  Looking forward to seeing you again someday!  In fact, I'm really kind of envious of how you get to spend your Christmases! :)