I Just Want to Feel Like Myself Again

Yes, parts of J-La-Sta come out every now and then.  Just bits and pieces of my goofiness, usually around Jonathan, who is one of the only people I see these days, since i am off of work.  I used to think it would be cool to be off of work for a while. But this is not how I imagined it.  Dr. Appointments, Counseling Appointments,  getting used to strong meds that make me so so tired, but not knowing if I'm even on the right ones yet.   Waiting and waiting and waiting some more to get in to see a Nurse Practitioner (Psychiatrist).  Not feeling like doing much of anything. Having a horrible memory, and not being able to talk right, ie say what I want to say.  I can't safely drive myself long distances due to the effects the meds are having on me. Jonathan says I sleep a lot, although I do make myself get up and go to bed at basically the same times every day.   I have little to no energy.  Plus, I'm still waiting to see if my short term disability from work has been approved, which adds more stress to my life.   Then the bills that are piling up from said appointments..  Yes, I'm blessed to have great insurance and I'm thankful I chose the PPO plan for the last year it's being offered.  I've already met my deductible, and it's a very low deductible comparatively.  I'm bummed that we are not going on the Mission Trip to Ecuador because we felt the Lord prodding us not to go due the current state of my mental health.  Then on top of this I worry about the serious health conditions of close loved ones.  Yes, I know God is in control, but you would worry too, trust me!  If you were in my shoes and didn't worry at all, you wouldn't be human.  Just sayin!

We all have our crosses in life to bear.  Mine just happens to be depression.  Yes I've tried it all and no, essential oils won't take it all magically away and removing sugar from my diet won't magically take it away, etc etc etc.  There is no easy fix.  I have dealt with depression since I was 16 years old.  Actually, I can even remember having it as a small child.

I was off of work for 3 weeks and went back for 4 days and couldn't handle it.  I need to be able to function at 100 percent and I wasn't there yet.  These meds are kicking my butt and I only had 1 med change at the time.  This is my 5th full week off of work.  I have worked there for 9 years.  I have worried about losing my job, but you know what?  I work to live.  I don't live to work.  If there is anything this most recent bout of depression has taught me, is that I put my job way ahead of where it should have been in the list of my priorities.  I put it above my health, above my trust in God, etc.  It has caused me to re-evaluate my priorities and I want my life to show what my priorities are.  If my Family needs me I will be there.  Work is not, nor should it be my first priority.  I want my life to show that my priorities are 1.  God.  2.  Jonathan  2.5 (half joking) Mookie  3. Family  4.  Work.  God will provide for my needs.  Jonathan and I live below our means.  Jonathan was recently blessed with a promotion at work.  We can live on his income and survive just fine.  We just wouldn't be able to bless others and travel like we love to do.

I am Jennifer Stanley, a Loved Daughter of the King.  I am not Jennifer Stanley, Technical Assistant.  My worth does not come from my job.  But you know what, I was letting my worth come from my job before this bout of depression.  I based my worth on my performance.  So maybe, just maybe, God is using this to teach me to not hold on so tightly to my job, to make me Trust that God will provide for me and that I have Jonathan now.  I'm no longer all alone in this world.  I don't know what the future holds, but God promises to take care of me.

When I first pulled up FB this Afternoon, I saw this right away:

Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

"I want you to face adversity with confidence and firm determination. Because I am with you and the Holy Spirit lives in you, you have everything you need to be bold. Cowardliness is not of My kingdom. When you are feeling overwhelmed by your circumstances, remember who you are—a child of the eternal King! Invite Me into the very circumstances that are intimidating you, and let the Light of My powerful Presence strengthen you. When you choose to live courageously, I am pleased. And I respond by strengthening your heart, thus increasing your valor." —Jesus Today by Sarah Young, p. 338

"Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart, all you who hope in the Lord." —Psalm 31:24 NKJV

God knew I needed to read this.  I am going to live courageously, no matter what my depressed feelings tell me, and no matter what happens with my job.  God will strengthen me and He will provide for me as he always has.

So Friends, I pray that this has given you some encouragement as well.  Life isn't easy..  We all have our crosses in life to bear.  If the grass looks greener on the other side, chances are it's not.....it only looks that way.  Not everyone opens their heart and soul like I do, but I pride myself in being real.

So, like Jonathan keeps telling me, my job right now is to get myself better.   That's it.  That's my job.  Whether I get paid for it or not.  

Thank you to my Friends who have been there to support me!  It is much appreciated!  Thank you for being His hands and feet to me.  Thank you to Jonathan for dealing with me the past few months.  I know it hasn't been easy and that this is the worse my depression has been since we've been married (almost 6 years).

To my co-workers, I hope to be back sooner, rather than later.  If you would, say a prayer that a Psychiatrist appointment would magically open up, that would help! :-)

I'm thankful for an Awesome MD who has empathy and wants to help me and knows I am trying to get better.

Most of all, Thank you to God for providing for my every need and for placing people into my life at just the right time, especially my sweet 4 legged baby, Mookie, who loves me unconditionally and follows me everywhere. 

Thanks for listening everyone!  I'll continue to keep you updated on my progress.

~J-La-Sta

The Thanksgiving Weekend I Didn't Know I Needed!

 At the risk of sounding like a Scrooge, I have strongly disliked the Holidays for as long as I can remember.  Just being real.  Rushing around here and there to get to at least 2 different Thanksgiving Celebrations and 2-4 Christmas Celebrations, during my hardest time of the year, stressed me out.  The fact that Dad passed away on December 8th, 17 years ago, didn't help me handle the holidays any easier.  Yes. I am an Extrovert.  Yes.  I love people.  But, I dislike rushing around trying to make it to every Holiday Celebration, so as to not upset anyone, while not taking care of me.

This Thanksgiving Weekend was hands down, the most relaxing and stress free Thanksgiving Weekend I have ever had.  This does not mean that every other Thanksgiving has been awful.  We have had some great Thanksgivings with Friends and Family, and we are so appreciative of all of the hard work that goes in to hosting Thanksgiving Dinners!  There are many things that play into why this was the most relaxing Thanksgiving I have ever had.  1.  This was the 1st time we have celebrated Thanksgiving in our own Home!  2.  We had a small, intimate celebration.  There were only 7 of us, plus Mookie.  3.  We didn't drive anywhere, not even for the day.  4.  This means we had 4 full days off together, at home, with no plans, and no driving. Mookie had a grooming appointment at 1:00pm on Friday, and that was the only thing we had planned.   I had so much time to just "be" in my own home, with my Husband, and my Dog.  It was glorious!

Thank you Jonathan, for all of the hard work you put into preparing our Feast.  It was delicious!  Also, thanks to Joel and Sandy and the boys for driving down from Grand Rapids to celebrate Thanksgiving with us.  It was so great to see you all!  I don't think God ever meant for us to get so stressed out over the Holidays.  Parties and gifts and appearances aren't the Reasons for the Season.  Jesus is the Real Reason for the Season!  He knows my Heart and He knows what I need, and it is truly liberating to have spent a Holiday exactly the way that I wanted to spend it.

So, if I don't show up for a Family Holiday Party.  Please don't take it personally.  This is just not my easiest time of year, and I need to take care of me.  So far, I'm doing a much better job of it than I have in years past.   Please understand, It's not that I don't want to see you.  It's just that other times of the year are easier for me to attend get togethers.

I am beyond Grateful for these past few days that I have gotten to be off work, in our home, with Jonathan and Mookie.  Life is Good!  We are Blessed! :-)

Our Non-Traditional Family

Our Wedding Verse was "God sets the lonely in Families"."  ~Psalm 68:6A NIV

Jonathan, Jennifer, Mookie, Eliana & Caro

I've learned that "Family" comes in many different forms.  Jonathan and I have a non-traditional family.  We Married later in life.  We were content being a Family of 2 for 5 years, until God put it on our hearts to adopt Mookie.  Then we decided we are going on a Mission Trip to Ecuador next Summer.  We will be visiting a Compassion International Center.  This is how God put it on my heart to Sponsor a Compassion International little girl from Ecuador.

I went on the site to see the children available for sponsorship between the ages of 1 and 8.  I acted like I was picking one.  Then it asked me to consider sponsoring another little girl from the same Church.  How could I resist??  Both of these girls waited for 248 days to be Sponsored!  I felt God pulling me to Sponsor both of them.  However, it's not just me that makes the money decisions.  It's Us.  Jonathan prayed and thought about it for a day or so.  Then he also wanted to Sponsor both girls.

Eliana is in the Middle pic.  She is 6 years old.  Caro is in the bottom pic.  She just turned 5 years old.  I've already written them and sent them our picture online.  The letter/picture will be printed and sent to them. The money spent sponsoring them goes to help educate them, feed them, teach them about nutrition, etc and most importantly it goes to teach them about Jesus.  My heart is full.  The girls live in a different part of Ecuador from where we are going for the Mission Trip, but I hope to someday meet these precious Children of God. Until then, I will pray for them, write to them, and love on them from a distance, and love on Jonathan and Mookie right here in South Bend, IN.  God is Good!  We are Blessed.

J-La-Sta's 9th Annual Fall Appreciation Day!

J-La-Sta Posing by Some Fall Decor

Today was my 9th Annual Fall Appreciation Day!  We had an Amazing day together!   We started our Morning by weighing in at Weight Watchers.  I'm on my way to getting back to my goal weight (I'll blog about that another time)! :-)  After WW, we relaxed at home for a few hours and enjoyed hanging out with Mookie.  Then we headed to the Starbucks Drive Thru for our Fall Mochas.  I got the Salted Caramel Mocha and Jonathan got the Chile Mocha.  We took a day trip to Shipshewana, IN.  We went to the Midwest's Largest Flea Market.  This was their Fall Extravaganza and Today was the last day of the Flea Market Season.  We found some great deals and some nice things for our Home.  We had lunch there and got LOTS of steps in.  We were there for 4 hours when it started raining, so we headed to some indoor shops.  Jonathan didn't want his pic taken in the big chair! :P

I Felt Small in this VERY Large Chair! :-)

Relaxing with The Mookster

After we were done shopping, we headed back home and picked up a Frozen Pizza and a Fall Dessert.We got home and I tried to get Mookie some exercise inside since it was raining outside.  We ate Pizza and watched a Fall Movie. We watched Goodwill Hunting.  I don't think I had ever watched it from start to finish, but it's a Fantastic Movie!

After the Movie we had Pumpkin Patch Ice Cream.  It was Yummy!  I think this was the best Fall Appreciation Day we have spent together!  I had a few J-La's Fall Appreciation Days before Jonathan came into my life.  We have continued a tradition I started as a single gal.  We had great weather...although it went from sunny to overcast to sunny to overcast, etc.  At least we saw some sun and the rain didn't come till we had seen all of the outdoor shops.  What a great day!  Bring it on Fall!  I'm ready for you! :-)

Love,

J-La-Sta

Learning to Go With the Flow!

We can make our plans,  but the Lord determines our steps.  Proverbs 16:9 NLT

Good Morning Friends & Family! :-)  

It is now 6:36 AM and I am currently on a flight to Newark, NJ.  I booked this Flight just over a month ago, when we found out Scott’s Surgery was scheduled for 5/23 in NYC.  Scott and Debbie arrived in NYC on Thursday Evening.  On Friday, at his Dr. Appt, they found out that Scott’s platelets were too low and that surgery was now cancelled for the 23rd.  They said they would check his platelets again on Monday, and that Thursday, May 26th would be the soonest that he would be able to have the surgery.  My Mom and I had already booked our flights, and I had already booked my non-refundable hotel room thru Priceline.  I wanted to stay for a week after the surgery to help my Sister while Scott begins his recovery, and I would have if Surgery would have been happening on Monday.  However, I have to be at work on Monday, May 31st, as I’m using the rest of my available vacation days for this trip.  So, Mom and I decided to still go to NYC.  Scott and Debbie can use our support and encouragement.  We decided that there must be a reason the Surgery is not happening on Monday.  On the bright side, this gives the 4 of us (Me, Mom, Debbie, & Scott) the opportunity to sightsee and not hang out at the hospital all week.  We are going to make the most of this opportunity and make Memories with each other to last a Lifetime! :-)  I’ll be sure to take and post pics!

I’m a planner.  I hate it when things don’t go as planned.  When plans change, I have a hard time switching gears, and dealing with the change in plans.  However, I’m slowly learning to go with the flow (after a day of freaking out)! :-)  God is giving us this Family time together, free of Hospitals until Thursday.  I’m choosing to see this change of plans as a gift from God.  I can’t control the fact that surgery will happen later then originally expected.  But, I can control how I choose to handle this situation.  I will be in NYC with my Mom, Sis and BIL.  Something that surely would have never happened otherwise!

I’m looking forward to seeing how God will continue to show Himself to us in this situation.  He promises to work all things out for our good.  Yes, even the bad things, like cancer, and major surgeries!  God is always there!  He promises to never leave us or forsake us.  He’s right by our side, and He will carry us thru.  I’m choosing Joy.  I’m choosing to rest in Him!  

We are beginning our descent into Newark, NJ.  I will keep you posted as I know more regarding the surgery.  Thanks for your continued prayers for Scott and our entire Family.   Thanks also for the love, encouragement and support you have given to us.  My Family and I really appreciate it! :-)

Life is tough, but God is Faithful! :-)

Love,

J-La-Sta

Love is.........

 

     As Valentine's Day approaches, naturally, I got to thinking about Love and what it really means.  Real Love goes far deeper than a dozen roses and a mushy card on a Hallmark Holiday. In our 4 years and 7 months of Marriage, I've learned a lot about Love and Marital Love.  It's a daily choice.  It's not something we feel like doing all of the time, but it is for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part, just as we promised each other on July 8th, 2011. 

1.  Real Love sees his wife thru 4 bouts of cellulitis. 
2.  Real Love makes Lifetime health and dietary changes (resulting in substantial weight loss) with his wife, after she is diagnosed with prediabetes. 
3.  Real Love makes sacrifices to work hard to get out of debt just 1 year after we got Married.
4.  Real Love grows stronger, thru the caring of (in addition to becoming his power of attorney) a parent with cancer, in the hospital and nursing home, after only just over a year of  marriage.  Real Love is being there together when that parent breathes his last breath and enters into the arms of Jesus.
5.  Real Love is holding each other up when we felt totally out of control after I was admitted to the hospital the day after we planned his Dad's funeral.  I was hospitalized for 3 nights, and had my dead and gangrenous gallbladder removed.  Jonathan was there for me, even thru his own grief of losing his Dad.  I got released from the hospital, and we went straight to his Dad's memorial service.  That was a very difficult time for us, but God was Faithful and we are stronger together because of it.
6.  Real Love is there for you when you find out your Mom's cancer spread to her brain, and later her lung.
7.  Real Love holds you up when you find out your "little" Sister's 37 year old Husband and Father of 4 of your precious Nieces and Nephews has a rare and aggressive cancer, of which there is no cure.

We've celebrated our 40th Birthdays together, and have seen some amazing places together in our travels, Upper Michigan, Aruba, NYC, Boston, Florida, etc.  We try to live life to the fullest everyday, knowing that we aren't guaranteed tomorrow.  We love to bless others together, which is something else we wouldn't be in a financial position to do if we weren't together.

We have been married just over 4.5 years, but I feel like we've experienced a lifetime of ups and downs in our relatively short time of being married.  We are stronger together.  Our Wedding verse was "God sets the Lonely in Families." ~Psalm 68:6.  God knew what we would have to face in the future, and I'm so thankful he brought us together to support and love each other in the best and worst of times.  Life is tough, but God is Faithful! :-)

Yes.  He did get me a dozen roses and a super sweet card, for which I'm very grateful! :-)  But this pales in comparison to the unconditional love he has shown me in the past 4.5 years. 

Jonathan, I love you so very much, and there is no one else I'd rather experience the highest highs and lowest lows of life with.

Happy Valentine's Day Baby!

Always and Forever Yours,


Your Irish Hills Hottie!  ;-)

I Used Facebook to Feed My Approval Addiction - For 8 Years!

Those words were hard to type. 

I've thought long and hard about my motivation for writing this post.  I've come to realize that my motivation for writing this post is NOT for approval.  It's not for likes or comments that I may or may not get.  I'm writing this because I feel I owe an explanation to my FB Friends who have "followed me" loved me, supported me, and encouraged me over the past 8 years.  I want to explain why I am hardly on FB anymore and most importantly, why I rarely post anything anymore.  So here goes it.....

When I first joined FB in August of 2007, I was not in a good place in life.  I had recently lost my job in Milwaukee, I had moved back to South Bend, leaving 15 years of Friends behind in Wisconsin.  I was unemployed, I had no money.  I was 33 years old,  I was Single, and I was living with my Grandma.  I didn't have close friends in South Bend yet, and didn't know many people here either.  All of that would be stressful enough for anyone.  Yet, on top of this, My Mom's cancer (she had been battling cancer for 7.5 years since my Dad passed away) was in her bones, and my 12 year old Nephew and Godson was awaiting open heart surgery for a birth defect that was found a month or 2 before that.  I was lonely, anxious, worried, stressed, and I could go on and on, but I won't.  You get the idea!  Playing the victim (my default) didn't help matters any at all, as you can imagine!

Facebook was my way of being able to keep in touch with Friends and Family who lived far away.  It made me feel loved and connected.  It made me feel like I belonged, like I mattered.  Because back then, I didn't believe that I mattered.  Sad, huh?  More that that, it gave me an outlet to post my feelings.  So, did I overshare?  Yes.  Have I continued to overshare?  Yes.  I'm a people person.  Sharing who I am and what I'm feeling is part of who I am.  I'm so appreciative of all of the support and encouragement I've received during my single years, my engagement, my marriage to Jonathan, our getting debt free after 1 year of marriage, the loss of Jonathan's Dad, my surgery a few days later, my Mom's continued battle with cancer, our extreme weight loss, and most recently, my 37 year old Brother-in-Law's (Father of 4) very rare Sarcoma cancer diagnosis.

I knew I was addicted to Facebook.  What I didn't realize until recently, was that I used Facebook to feed my approval addiction.  I was actually more addicted to approval (likes, positive comments, etc), than I was to Facebook, I just didn't realize it until now.  My choice to overshare, let people know about what was going on in my life, without even having to make an effort.  That was my fault. 

Emotional intimacy is not something that has come easy for us (me and Jonathan), especially for me.  I can be the center of attention in a big crowd and it takes no effort, it just comes naturally for me.  However, one on one emotional connection has always been more challenging for me.  Jonathan, by nature, is not an initiator.  So when I would sit on FB, he would watch TV and/or play games on his phone.  July 8th will be our 4 year anniversary.  We have been thru so many difficult and life changing events since getting married.   We are strong, both as individuals and as a couple.  We love to travel together and bless others.  God has been So Good to us!  We are so Blessed!  Most recently we have decided to start saving for a house, which we plan to purchase in the Spring/Summer of 2017. 

I don't want to say I've wasted 8 years of my life on FB.  That is not true.  Have I wasted a lot of time on FB?  Yes.  I would post something and then check over and over and over again to see if anyone or anyone new had "liked" it.  Come on!  I KNOW I'm not the only person who did that! LOL

Over the past 3 weeks or so, Jonathan and I have spent lots of quality time together.  You know what?  We don't get nearly as irritated with each other for "interrupting our FB/TV Time"!  You know why?  Because we are making each other a priority.  Quite honestly, I think we needed some "adjustment time" between getting married (after having been single for so long!) and having so much quality time together.  I regret some (not all) of the time I've wasted on FB.....but I don't regret encouraging others and sharing my story and our story!  I regret looking to FB for approval, instead of my Savior.  I regret giving people the power to help or hurt me simply by liking or not liking my status update.

So, will I post here and there?  Yes.  I'm not deleting my FB account.  I just am not on FB as much.  I don't post as much b/c a little bit of posting.....feeds my addiction, just like a little bit of alcohol feeds the addiction of an alcoholic.

We are enjoying spending time with each other, our friends and our family.  I am equally enjoying not needing to inform FB about every detail of my life.  I also don't feel like I'm missing out.  I'm more relaxed, less anxious, more at peace, and living my life, instead of thinking about how I'm going to documenting it.  It's SO FREEING not worrying about why someone is "liking" the statuses of others, but not liking mine. 

I'm free, and I couldn't be happier!! Happy 4th Anniversary to the Love of my Life and Happy 40th Birthday Honey!  I'm Blessed to have you in my Life, for as long as the Lord allows before He chooses to take either one of us (or both of us) Home to Heaven.  You are my Greatest Earthly Blessing! :-)  Thank you for treating me like I belong and like I matter!

Thank You to all of my FB Friends, for EVERYTHING!! :-)  I would love to email/text/get together for coffee/talk on the phone, or whatever.  You are loved, by God and by Me! :-)

Gratitude For God's Gifts of Love to Me - Week 5

My Year of Thanks!

April 17th - April 23rd, 2015

 

April 17th

1. Thankful for the opportunity to serve Debbie & Scott by creating/running the CaringBridge Website for them.
2. Thankful for a nice walk with my Husband to enjoy the warm weather.
3. Thankful I made it thru the work week after a hard, emotional week in my personal life.

April 18th

1. Thankful for the beauty of nature which we enjoyed at Pokagon State Park Today.
2. Thankful for a delicious meal at Caruso's.
3. Thankful I was 2 lbs down after a rough week.  This was a huge scale and non-scale victory!

April 19th

1. Safe travels home from Angola.
2. Thankful for a bit of relaxation at a coffee shop in Angola.
3. Thankful for free Breakfast at our Hotel.

April 20th

1. I'm So, So Grateful that the Cardioversion worked to get my BIL's heart back into rhythm.
2. Thankful for the technology of texting.  It's a lot easier keeping updated when far away from loved ones.
3. The Blessing of Friends Praying on our behalf.

April 21st

1. I was able to focus better at work Today.
2. I head an Awesome song on the way home from work that excited and comforted me.
3. I'm thankful my Sister's Family has a huge support system both near and far.

April 22nd

1. I'm thankful that I have a Husband who cooks every night. What a Godsend!
2. I'm thankful said Husband set up an oil change appointment so the car is ready for my drive to WI on my days off next week.
3. I'm thankful the snow melted.

April 23rd

1. "The Hardest Peace", A book written by Kara Tippetts - I read half of it this Evening.
2. Meijer MPerks - Helps to save money.
3. Medicine which helps even out my chemical imbalances.





Dear December, I'm Starting To Like You! :)

Hello December,

I honestly don't remember a time when I didn't dread your coming, and did anything other than merely survive your visit!  I've never been a fan of cold weather, but the darkness your weather brings, does not help my situation.  It exacerbates my depression and it makes me want to hibernate, sleep, and eat cookie dough, LOTS and LOTS of cookie dough!  Oh, and I did spend many a December eating lots and lots of cookie dough!   It helped me feel better in the moment, but made me feel worse long term as my pant size kept moving up and up. 

Fourteen years ago something happened during your annual visit, that hurt me so very deeply and changed me forever.  My life would never be the same. Nor would I.  December 8th, 1999 my earthly Dad passed away.  He was 59 years old.  My Mom was now a 47 year old widow.  While the majority of my friends were  (and some still are) losing their Grandparents to death, I was experiencing the loss of my Dad.  I was 25 years old. My two Sisters were 24 and 21 years old.  

December of 1999 I was single and still trying to find my place in life.  I was still figuring out who I was.  Looking back, the new and improved 39 year old version of me sees that I was "just a baby" back then!  Since 1999, I have quite honestly hated you December! I'm just being real!  We were all still numb and in shock when Christmas Day came, just 2 weeks after Dad's funeral.  We, of course celebrated Christmas, but we were all just going thru the motions.  I was living in Wisconsin at the time.  I spent many a night alone and crying in my Apartment in Cudahy, WI.  

So now you know why I hated December, if you didn't already know!  It's the darkest month (I get Seasonal Affective Disorder), my Dad passed away in December right before Christmas, and being single for as long as I was, my singleness was only accentuated around the Holidays.  December used to only mean darkness, sadness, and loneliness for me.

Eleven years would pass before I would experience one of the happiest moments of my life, which happened to be in December.  December 10th, 2010 my now Husband Jonathan, asked me to marry him!!! :)  I of course said YES! :)  Here's a pic taken by my friends Chris and Holly the night of our engagement! :)

For the first time in eleven years, I had a happy event happen in my life in the darkest month of the year!  Thanks for that, Jonathan! :) We were Married on July 8th, 2011 and Christmas 2011 and 2012 we started making our own traditions.   I finally felt like I belonged and I finally had my Family! :)  He is my earthly rock! :)

Today is February 1st, 2014, and I just realized I never finished/posted this blog! Oops!  Better late than never, right?! :)  Anyways, last year (Dec of 2012), we had our 1st Annual Winter Solstice Party on December 21st.  I decorated with cheery, bright yellow decorations, and we celebrated the darkest day of the year with friends, knowing that from that day forward, we would be gaining daylight minutes!  YAY!! Now that's a reason to celebrate!  We had our 2nd Annual Winter Solstice Party on December 21st, 2013 and it was again, a huge success.  Everyone had a wonderful time, especially me! :)

The Winter Solstice Party Peeps, minus Matt, the Picture Taker (He didn't want to be in the pic anyways)!


 

Jonathan and I had a wonderful Christmas!  We spent Christmas Eve at my Sister's in St. Joseph, MI with immediate family.  It was great to be with Mom, Don, Grandma, and my Sister's and their Families (and of course my Hubs too!)! :)

Me and My Mom!



Me and My Hubby!

Christmas Day it is our tradition for it to be just us, hanging out at home together, with nowhere to be!  It was wonderful, as always! 

I also had lots of countdowns going on in December for my 40th Birthday, 40th Birthday Party, and our trip to Aruba (all in January). 

So, December, even though you still aren't my favorite month, I have to admit that I'm starting to like you, and making the most of your visit! :) 

See you in 10 months! :)

Love,


J-La-Sta

PeriWHAT???????? Navigating This New, Unexpected, and Uncertain Time of My Life!

     *****MEN -  if you don't want to read about issues related to a woman's monthly friend please stop reading NOW!  :)  WOMEN - The purpose of this blog post is not to scare anyone, just to raise awareness.  It's ok to talk about hormonal imbalances ladies, this is a fact of life!  We don't need to suffer in silence.*****

     Before October 7th, 2013 I had this very inaccurate view of what I thought happened in Menopause. First of all, I thought Menopause was something that happened to women when they reached their 50's and 60's.  I am 39 (for another 67 days).  So naturally, this was something I didn't need to concern myself with for at LEAST 10 more years, right?  I seriously thought Menopause consisted of occasional hot flashes along with some missed periods.  Then, all of a sudden it was all over, and that was that!  Simple? Yes!  Naive?  Absolutely! I mentioned my former views about Menopause to some women who have gone/are going thru it and they laughed!  Yeah, I should know by now that things are rarely as easy as they appear to be from the outside looking in! LOL 

     So naturally, when my monthly friend came to visit just 2 weeks after the last friend showed up, I thought I was dying.  Cuz, you know, that WAS the most logical conclusion after all! :) LOL :P  We went to Immediate Care at the South Bend Clinic that evening. I was pulled aside by a Nurse and told that they could see me, but that there was probably nothing they could do for me.  Her next words will stick with me forever! She said "Honey, this is normal for a woman your age".  Huh??? WHAT??  This sure as heck was NOT normal for me!!!!  I am only 39 years old!! In all of my 25.5 years of having this monthly visitor, she was like clock work and within a few days of her expected arrival! Her visits were very predictable! She certainly never appeared 2 weeks early!!! That afternoon I had already called my OBGYN's Office and made an appointment with a Nurse Practitioner, but I couldn't get in to see her for another 9 days. No one seemed to think this was an emergency, except for me!  Although my Husband was quite concerned as well!

 

 

     In the meantime, I did some online research and learned about "Perimenopause", which is something that can begin anytime between the ages of 35 and 55. Why hadn't I been warned about this?  Upon describing my situation to some girlfriends, I realized that they had never heard of this happening either.  I hadn't been the only one kept in the dark! They all assumed, as I did, that as you neared menopause, your periods would be fewer and farther between, not that they could come more often and could sometimes WAY overstay their welcome. They all said they too would be concerned if this happened to them! 

I was relieved to find this blog site: http://www.theperimenopauseblog.com/.  The slogan is "Yes, It's Real & No, You're not going Crazy!" Phew!!!! :) That's good to know! :)

You may be asking What IS Perimenopause? 

Perimenopause, or menopause transition, is the stage of a woman's reproductive life that begins several years before menopause, when the ovaries gradually begin to produce less estrogen. It usually starts in a woman's 40s, but can start in a woman's 30s or even earlier. (WebMD.com).

Here are 35 Possible Symptoms of Perimenopause (These symptoms were taken from Healthline.com, written by Magnolia Miller on Feb 23rd, 2012):

• Hot flashes, hot flushes, night sweats and/or cold flashes, clammy feeling
• Irregular heart beat
• Irritability
• Mood swings, sudden tears
• Trouble sleeping through the night (with or without night sweats)
• Irregular periods; shorter, lighter periods; heavier periods, flooding; phantom periods, shorter cycles, longer cycles
• Loss of libido
• Vaginal dryness
• Crashing fatigue
• Anxiety, feeling ill at ease
• Feelings of dread, apprehension, doom
• Difficulty concentrating, disorientation, mental confusion
• Disturbing memory lapses
• Incontinence, especially upon sneezing, laughing; urge incontinence
• Itchy, crawly skin
• Aching, sore joints, muscles and tendons
• Increased tension in muscles
• Breast tenderness
• Headache change: increase or decrease
• Gastrointestinal distress, indigestion, flatulence, gas pain, nausea
• Sudden bouts of bloat
• Depression
• Exacerbation of existing conditions
• Increase in allergies
• Weight gain
• Hair loss or thinning, head, pubic, or whole body; increase in facial hair
• Dizziness, vertigo, light-headedness, episodes of loss of balance
• Changes in body odor
• Electric shock sensation under the skin and in the head
• Tingling in the extremities
• Gum problems, increased bleeding
• Burning tongue, burning roof of mouth, bad taste in mouth, change in breath odor
• Osteoporosis (after several years)
• Changes in fingernails: softer, crack or break easier
• Tinnitus: ringing in ears, bells, 'whooshing,' buzzing etc.

If you have been experiencing any of these symptoms and wondering if you are beginning to enter perimenopause, you should see your physician or an endocrinologist right away for a thorough evaluation.
There are plenty of treatment options available for perimenopause symptoms. Dietary changes, bioidentical hormone therapy, nutritional supplements, exercise, and even alternative and complementary therapies such as yoga and acupuncture have all been shown to help ease the discomfort of perimenopause symptoms. And by all means ladies, remember to keep your sense of humor!  It will be your first line of defense!

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"The hallmark of perimenopause is the erratic, unpredictable symptoms which literally seem to come out of nowhere. As a result, women often feel confused, powerless, and overwhelmed which, unfortunately, only exacerbates the symptoms and intensifies the feelings of losing control. 

If you are having a difficult time coping with the symptoms of perimenopause, it is very important that you understand it is not a sign of mental weakness or a lack of self-control.  And though it may seem as if the symptoms will never end, they do.  And if you’re still feeling crazy after that, just remember what George Carlin said, “It’s because men are stupid.”  (Magnolia Miller - Healthline.com - June 18, 2012)

     I also found this blog post (about being in your 30's and not needing to worry about menopause) to be very helpful -  http://boomer-blog.com/eblog/2013/01/28/menopause-mondays-so-youre-in-your-thirties-you-dont-have-to-worry-about-menopause-yet-right-wrong-find-out-more-about-perimenopause-and-what-it-means-to-you/

     I went to see the Nurse Practitioner the morning of October 16th.  My special visitor lingered on and was still there when I went to see her.  At this point, it was day 10 of her visit.  The NP said they could do an endometrial biopsy to rule out uterine cancer, they could do an ultrasound, or we could wait and see what next month would bring. Wait and see what next month would bring???  I wanted to end this months visit first!!! :)  I chose to have the endometrial biopsy done to be proactive and/or to ease my peace of mind. She also did an exam, and said everything was as it should be, and that there were no fibroids or anything. I was told they would call me with the results in 5 days or so.  Thankfully, just two days later I was told the results of the endometrial biopsy were normal.  Phew! I did not have Uterine Cancer.  Praise Jesus! :) That was a huge relief!  I was still concerned though, I mean my friend was STILL visiting and it was day 12.  What was going on?

     The next week I was exhausted and it was heavier than it had ever been.  I felt weak and it was a struggle just to get thru my normal days of work.  My NP had me get a blood test on Tuesday evening, so they could see if I was anemic.  My NP Appointment was also moved up from Thursday to Wednesday.  When I went to my Appointment my friend had now been visiting for 17 days, yep you read that right, SEVENTEEN DAYS!!!!  My NP told me I was not anemic.  When I asked her if she thought I was in Perimenopause she said she thought it was probably too early for that, i.e. that I was too young.  She did suggest I start taking a low dose birth control pill to even out my hormones and therefore make my period go away. It was around this time that my theme song became the song by "The Band Perry" which is called "All I Want To Be Is DONE"! LOL Jonathan laughed at me when I started singing it and calling it my new theme song after I heard it performed on The Voice last week! :)

     Before this point in my life, I had always been against taking a birth control pill for myself.  However, this now became a completely medical decision for me. It was affecting my energy and my daily life.  My hormones were obviously completely out of whack!  With all of the research I have done over the past 3 weeks, I am now convinced that I have started the "Perimenopause" phase of my life.  I still am surprised that I had never heard of this before and was so ignorant about this phase of a woman's life.  Why isn't it discussed?  Why don't older women give younger women the heads up about this? If they did, would we even believe it? Probably not because it's just so CRAZY!  LOL  Some women (like my Mother, sail thru Menopause).  She NEVER had any of the symptoms I am experiencing, therefore she couldn't warn me about them!

      I obviously don't have all of the answers, but I do know that I want to raise Perimenopause awareness and warn those my age and younger of things that could  affect them in the future.  Granted, I am on the young end for it to be happening to me.  From what I read it seems 45 is the average age for the onset of Perimenopause.  But, I am a woman and I know my body and I know that something has definitely changed! I've learned that perimenopause can start earlier in women who have never been pregnant.  I have never been pregnant.  I also have learned that the age at which a woman's Mother went thru Menopause is a determining factor in predicting when you might go thru Menopause. My Mom was completely done at 47.  Therefore it stands to reason, that with my Mom going thru Menopause earlier than the average, along with the fact that I have never been pregnant, that I would go thru it sooner than the majority of my peers.  FYI:  It isn't considered Menopause until a woman has gone 12 months without a period.  "The average age of a woman having her last period, menopause, is 51. But, some women have their last period in their forties, and some have it later in their fifties. - See more at: http://www.nia.nih.gov/health/publication/menopause".

     I hope and pray that "Lo Loestrin Fe" will help to balance out my hormones. What I've learned from my research about Perimenopause is that it is a very unpredictable and uncertain time in a woman's life.  That's exactly how I feel!  It's quite unsettling, although not nearly as unsettling now that I've realized this is "normal", whatever that is! LOL :) I have a feeling, that like it or not, I'm in for the hormonal ride of my life!  I can't change it, so I might as well roll with it!  In case you were wondering, my visitor finally left (for now at least, after her 19/20 day unwelcomed visit!).  I'm so blessed to have such a caring, wonderful, supportive, and encouraging Husband by my side!

     Oh, and one more thing.  I've read that Perimenopause is like Puberty in reverse!  Oh JOY of all JOYS! LOL :)  Women, we don't need to suffer in silence!  It's nothing to be ashamed of!  It's ok to talk about our female issues!  Let's warn the next generation! If something changes with your body, get it checked out!  It's always good to rule out the worst case scenarios, but I just wanted to make you aware that if something like what happened to me, happens to you, it really could be "Normal", as CRAZY as that may seem! :) 

  

I Can't Believe This Is MY Life!

God has Blessed me with FAR more than I ever could have asked for or imagined!

 

I am overwhelmed with awe and thankfulness for the life I am living right now!  Is this really MY life?  Had I not gone thru years of challenges, difficulties and loneliness, I KNOW I wouldn't be even half as appreciative as I am today!  God is GOOD Now and He was GOOD Then!  It's just easier to see when life is going very well!

 

What I'm Thankful For

 

• Undeserved and definitely unearned GRACE from my Savior Jesus!

 

• MY HUSBAND.  I was single for 37.5 Years!  We will be celebrating our 2 Year Anniversary on July 8th and I couldn't be happier!  I am Married to my perfect match and now all of my single years make sense!  There was a purpose!  God was strengthening me thru the tough times.



 

• The fact that we are DEBT FREE.  Yes, we worked very hard to get where we are at, but it was only because we are both Blessed with jobs.

 

• VACATIONS!  We have this coming week off of work and get to spend it in Northern MI enjoying each other, and the beauty of God's creation!  We get to rest and get rejuvenated from our challenging start to the year (FIL passing and my hospitalization the same week - This was our last "vacation").  In  September we get to visit my MIL in WV, and in January we get to go to ARUBA where we will spend 7 nights at an all-inclusive resort.  It will be a nice break from the Indiana winter permacloud and  we will be celebrating my 40th Birthday.

 

• HEALTH.  I am so very thankful for my health and the health of my Husband!  I had my dead and gangrenous gallbladder removed in March.  I was hospitalized for 3 nights.  Between my Husband and I we have collectively lost 123 lbs since February of 2012.  That's a whole person!  We are eating healthier and also walking.  We LOVE Weight Watchers Online! :)  We both feel SO much better and it's an Amazing feeling to be fitting into smaller sizes of clothing that we haven't worn in years!  I was prediabetic in Feb of 2012 and I am proud to say that I kicked prediabetes to the curb! :)

 

• FAMILY & FRIENDS.  We have wonderful family and lots of wonderful friends.  We LOVE being "Aunt Jenny & Uncle Jonathan".  We are blessed to have lots of little (and many not so little anymore) ones to love and spoil!  What an Honor to be in these influential roles!

 

I know that life can change in an instant, but right now I'm thoroughly loving and enjoying this life that I am Blessed to live!  Thanks God!  :)

 

 

 

 





Sudden Death vs. Anticipatory Grief

     Loss sucks!  Grieving sucks!  It's some tough stuff, and far from easy!  Death is very final.  It isn't fair!  Life isn't fair!  Yes, as Christians, we have peace and comfort in knowing that we will see our loved ones, who also love Jesus, in heaven again someday.  But we carry the pain of the loss of our loved ones with us for the rest of our earthly lives.  As time passes, the waves of grief grow fewer and farther between, but they still come.  These waves of pain come on our loved one's Birthday, on the anniversary of their death, and on important and meaningful events in our lives, like weddings, or the birth of a child..  It's not like just because we know they are in heaven and we will see them again someday, that we don't struggle with the loss and the void that is forever left in our lives, that no one else can possibly ever fill.  That's just completely unrealistic.  Even the Bible says "Jesus wept".

     I dealt with grief from a sudden death when my Dad passed way 12/8/1999 at the age of 59, from complications related to his Lupus.  I was 25 years old at the time.  My parents were still married at the time.  My Mom was a 47 year old widow and 2 months later was diagnosed with breast cancer.  She has now battled cancer for 13 years.  She is the strongest woman I know!  My Dad wasn't at my wedding.  No one else could fill that void.  No one is ever ready for the loss of a loved one, but with my Dad, I didn't see it coming.  A lot of deaths are like that.  No notice, no time to say good-bye, or to say the things you wished you had gotten to say.

     Recently I've been reading about a form of grief called "anticipatory grief".  "Anticipatory grief" is when you know the grief is coming, but it just hasn't arrived yet.  Per Edward Meyers, in his book, When Parents Die, "A sudden death hits you like an explosion," Myers explains, "and sends you into shock, whereas a slow decline arrives more like a glacier, massive and unstoppable, grinding you down."  My Husband and I are in the midst of anticipatory grief.  Eleven days ago, my Husband's Dad's Dr, called him to let him know that his Dad's lung cancer had spread to his brain.  His Dad is 67 years old.  He has a large tumor on the left side of his brain.  He was hospitalized for 10 days.  He is now back at the nursing home.  There is no cure.  He wouldn't survive surgery.  He is halfway thru his radiation treatments.  The radiation will not cure him, it will only help decrease the symptoms.  He is getting progressively worse.  Having experienced the grief from a sudden death, and now experiencing "anticipatory grief", I found Myers description to be extremely accurate! 

"Anticipatory grief does feel heavy, and it is unstoppable, dragging you down. But that quote from Myers made us stop and think. The alternative to a slow death is a quick death. What if mom had died suddenly in a car accident? Or had a massive, fatal heart attack? We would have missed these past months of closeness. The time to say the things we wouldn't have had time to say, to give the hugs, to share in one more meal, one more picture, one more smile. We have had the time to say good-bye. There will be no regrets on that frontier." via this blog. 
 

It is very hard watching Keith's health decline.  We are exhausted, both physically and emotionally, but we will have no regrets.  We have had almost 5 months of "closeness, hugs, telling him we love him, showing him we love him, visiting with him, calling him, etc, etc."  I had regrets when Dad died, I still do.  But, I also didn't have to watch him slowly decline, and didn't have to see him suffer.  I am in a much better place in life now.  I am more established.  I am older.  Yes, loss is hard at any age.  But a 25 year old doesn't expect to lose a parent that early in life.  I am thankful Jonathan and I have each other to lean on for support during this difficult time.  I am also thankful that we will have no regrets when God calls Keith home, and that we heeded God's calling to step up and care for Keith.  We love Keith because God first loved us.  Thank you to those of you who sent him a Christmas card or any other type of card!  He was overwhelmed by your outpouring of love and support!  He knows he is loved, by God and by us, and that is all that matters.

Please keep Keith and our family in your prayers during the days, weeks, and months ahead. 

Thank you! :)

Lamentations 3: 21-26:

²¹ Yet I still dare to hope
when I remember this:

²² The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
His mercies never cease.
²³ Great is his faithfulness;
his mercies begin afresh each morning.
²⁴ I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;
therefore, I will hope in him!”

²⁵ The Lord is good to those who depend on him,
to those who search for him.
²⁶ So it is good to wait quietly
for salvation from the Lord.

Happy Thanksgiving 2012!!

I hope you all had a very blessed Thanksgiving!  Ours was wonderful!  We got to spend it with loved ones, and were blessed with a 60 degree sunny day!  Happy Holidays from our Family to yours!

We Have Been Married For 500 Days Today!

J & J - 7/8/2011 - Clearwater Beach, FL

 

Those of you who know me, know that I am a numbers girl!  I love dates and numbers!  Well, today we have been married for 500 days!  In my opinion, that is blog worthy for sure! :)  I also find it interesting that our first date was 1,137 days ago.  We have almost been married for half of the time we have been together! 

 

Looking back, we realize that our 1st year of marriage was a breeze!  We are thankful that we could just be Newlyweds for a year and not have any other major life events happen during that year of adjustment.  Marriage is an adjustment (especially for those of us who have been single well into our 30's.), but it is a happy adjustment.  Change is hard, but good change is MUCH easier than the changes the past few months have brought us.

 

We are learning more now about some of the "worse" parts of our "for better or worse" vows.  Life has been anything BUT easy for us the past 2 months.  The things we are dealing with, most people wouldn't expect to have to deal with until well into their 40's, 50's and even 60's.  Jonathan's Dad is only 67, but he has had Stage IV lung cancer for 2 years and 3 months.  He also has COPD.  My Mom is only 60, but has been battling cancer for almost 13 years now.  Emotionally, that's a lot for us to handle in and of itself.  But it's not just dealing with the emotional part of it.  We had to put Jonathan's Dad in a nursing home and Jonathan is now the Power of Attorney for his Dad.  We are his only weekly/twice a week visitors and the nursing home is 30 minutes away from us.  We both work full time outside the home.  We may not have children, but we (especially Jonathan) do have a LOT of responsibility!  Jonathan has learned A LOT (more than he ever thought he would have to know at age 37) about Medicaid, Medicare, Nursing Homes, Cemeteries, Funeral Insurance, FMLA, etc, the past few months. 

 

This has been a very stressful time for us.  We have been flying by the seat of our pants. Uncertainty is hard to deal with.  While we don't know what the future holds, we do know that God has been with us every step of the way, and will continue to give us His strength.  He saw to it that Keith was approved for Medicaid the FIRST time, and for that we are very thankful!  Jonathan has said he wants to use the knowledge he has gained to help friends when/if they have to go thru this stuff with their aging parents.

 

Jonathan and I are extremely grateful that we have each other during this dreary time in our lives.  I think overall we are doing as well as we can be doing given the circumstances.  Things have settled down a little bit now that Keith has been approved for Medicaid.  We are looking forward to 3 nights away for my Birthday after the New Year!

 

This Thanksgiving, I am thankful that Keith has accepted Jesus.  I'm also thankful that Jonathan is my Husband and that we are a team...for better or for worse.  I'm thankful that we are blessed to spend another Thanksgiving with my Mom and with Jonathan's Dad.  Life is short, but life is precious.  We are learning to live in the moment.  None of us are guaranteed tomorrow. 

 

We know this too shall pass, but for now, we cling to Jesus and to each other.

 

Our Marriage verse was "God sets the lonely in families".  We may feel weary and overwhelmed, but we are not lonely. 

 

Thank you Lord for my 500th day of being married to the love of my life.  I waited and waited, but you were faithful, as always!

 

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!  Savor every minute you are blessed to have with your loved ones this Holiday Season! :)

 

Love,

 

 

 

J-La-Sta

 

Random Thoughts By J-La-Sta

1. My husband and I need a break from life.
2. It's been 7 weeks today since Jonathan's Dad went into the hospital and J started the process of becoming POA for his Dad, which changed our lives dramatically.
3. I will never again say "this is a piece of cake compared to what I went thru alone as a single person".  As soon as I said that, God started to challenge us!
4. I hate the end of daylight saving time.
5. I hate these short days.
6. I know that I start to feel better after the New Year starts.
7. Only 36 more days till we start to gain daylight instead of losing it.
8. I am thankful that my my mammogram came back normal! 
9. I'm thankful Jonathan's Dad was approved for Medicaid.
10. I HATE cancer.  I hate what it does to my Mom and I hate what it is doing to my FIL.
11. I can't believe December 8th it will have been 13 years since my Dad passed away.
12. I got an email from parents.com informing me my baby is the size of a cantaloupe at 21 weeks.....UMMM.....Really???  Do they know something I don't?  Our plate is already quite full!
13. It's a challenge to stay positive when there is so much negative going on in the lives of those we love.
14. I know God has a plan and will work things out for the good of those who love Him, but it doesn't mean we don't get weary, stressed, and sad.
15. Speaking of SAD, I hate Seasonal Affective Disorder and what it does to me.
16. There will always be people who have things "easier" than you, and there will always be people who have things "much harder" than you.
17. Sometimes life just sucks and is incredibly overwhelming.
18. My Vitamin D levels were great, much to my surprise!
19. We are both looking forward to having 4 very much needed days off in a row for Thanksgiving!  Only 5 more days of work for me and 6 more days of work for Jonathan.
20. We plan to treasure time with loved ones over the Holidays.  Life is short and we need to savor the memories.

Happy 13th Birthday In Heaven Dad!

November 3rd, 1940 Herbert William Latzke, who would later be my Dad, was born in Eagle River, WI.  Yep, he would have been 72 years old today!  He spent 59 years on this earth and passed away on December 8th, 1999.  So much has changed since then, in the world, and in our family.

 

 

THEN:

November 3rd, 1999 (Dad's 59th Birthday):

• I was 25 years old. 

• I was living in Cudahy, WI.

• I called you to wish you a Happy Birthday.

• I was working 2nd shift and overnights, with at-risk teens, at Calvary Academy in South Milwaukee, WI.

• I was single and thought I'd never get married.

• My Nephew Trey (Dad's only Grandchild at the time) was 5 years old

• Bill Clinton was President of the United States.

• We couldn't have comprehended that less than 2 years later, 9-11 would terrorize our Nation.

• Mom was cancer free.

NOW:

November 3rd, 2012 (Dad's 13th Birthday in Heaven):

• I am 38 years old (yet somehow I haven't aged one bit!) 

• I have been living back in South Bend, IN for 5.5 years (Yes, I know I said I'd NEVER move back to South Bend! I am older and wiser and have learned to never say never!)

• I can't call you to wish you a Happy Birthday, but I will be thinking of you all day.

• I have been working at an Insurance Company for 4.5 years.

• I have been married to an Amazing man named Jonathan for 16 months.

• My Nephew Trey (Dad's 1st Grandson) is now 18 years old!  There are now 4 more Grandchildren that Dad never got the chance to meet.  No, I did not have quadruplets! LOL :)  Lexi will be 10 tomorrow,  Hannah is 8, Tyler is 6 and Myles just turned 3. 

• Barack Obama is President of the United States.  The Presidential election is in 3 days and I cannot wait for it to be over!

• We are living in a post 9-11 world, and the world seems to be getting more and more violent.

• Mom has been battling cancer since 2 months after you passed away (February, 2000)

Life has changed since you went home to heaven Dad, in wonderful ways, and in some not so wonderful ways.  But one thing that won't change, is that I will always love you and miss you!

 

 

Happy 72nd Birthday Dad!  See you soon!

 

 

Love,

 

 

 

Jen Jen