Tonight I'm Giving Myself Permission to Just Be Sad

My Dad with his Grandson Trey. Trey was the only Grandchild he met.  Trey was 5 when Dad passed away.

   
     Today was a rough day for me.  I thought that after 17 years, I should be able to get thru the anniversary of Dad's death without being sad and letting it affect me like it does.   But, you know what?  I decided to give myself some Grace.  The loss of my Dad affected me deeply and profoundly.  News flash, I know, but I'm human!  Humans have feelings.  I have feelings.  Painful memories such as the loss of a close loved one, they resurface sometimes, and of course they would resurface on the Anniversary of his passing.  This is completely normal.  So I'm not going to tell myself not to be sad.  I'm going to allow myself to just be sad tonight, knowing that tomorrow is the Anniversary of his passing.  Even Jesus wept.  I miss my Dad.  I miss having a Dad.  He missed my Wedding.  He never met my Husband.  I was 25 when he passed.  So much life has happened since then.  I'm sad for all the things he has missed in my life, yet I would never want him back.  Selfishly, yes, but he is pain and worry free in heaven.  I listened to this song hundreds of times (alone in my apartment in WI, alone in my car) after his passing and shed lots of tears while listening to it.  Thanks to my Sister Pam who posted this song today and reminded me of it.  It has a healing effect for me, just listening to it again.  I'll warn you that the video itself is really lame, but the words.....the words touch me and bring me peace.

     I pray that if you need peace regarding the loss of a loved one, that this song would bring you some peace and comfort.

     Saturday Jonathan and I will celebrate our 7th Engagiversary, and 6 months of having Mookie in our lives.  I will allow myself to feel happy then.  But for tonight, I'm just sad, and that's ok.

The Thanksgiving Weekend I Didn't Know I Needed!

 At the risk of sounding like a Scrooge, I have strongly disliked the Holidays for as long as I can remember.  Just being real.  Rushing around here and there to get to at least 2 different Thanksgiving Celebrations and 2-4 Christmas Celebrations, during my hardest time of the year, stressed me out.  The fact that Dad passed away on December 8th, 17 years ago, didn't help me handle the holidays any easier.  Yes. I am an Extrovert.  Yes.  I love people.  But, I dislike rushing around trying to make it to every Holiday Celebration, so as to not upset anyone, while not taking care of me.

This Thanksgiving Weekend was hands down, the most relaxing and stress free Thanksgiving Weekend I have ever had.  This does not mean that every other Thanksgiving has been awful.  We have had some great Thanksgivings with Friends and Family, and we are so appreciative of all of the hard work that goes in to hosting Thanksgiving Dinners!  There are many things that play into why this was the most relaxing Thanksgiving I have ever had.  1.  This was the 1st time we have celebrated Thanksgiving in our own Home!  2.  We had a small, intimate celebration.  There were only 7 of us, plus Mookie.  3.  We didn't drive anywhere, not even for the day.  4.  This means we had 4 full days off together, at home, with no plans, and no driving. Mookie had a grooming appointment at 1:00pm on Friday, and that was the only thing we had planned.   I had so much time to just "be" in my own home, with my Husband, and my Dog.  It was glorious!

Thank you Jonathan, for all of the hard work you put into preparing our Feast.  It was delicious!  Also, thanks to Joel and Sandy and the boys for driving down from Grand Rapids to celebrate Thanksgiving with us.  It was so great to see you all!  I don't think God ever meant for us to get so stressed out over the Holidays.  Parties and gifts and appearances aren't the Reasons for the Season.  Jesus is the Real Reason for the Season!  He knows my Heart and He knows what I need, and it is truly liberating to have spent a Holiday exactly the way that I wanted to spend it.

So, if I don't show up for a Family Holiday Party.  Please don't take it personally.  This is just not my easiest time of year, and I need to take care of me.  So far, I'm doing a much better job of it than I have in years past.   Please understand, It's not that I don't want to see you.  It's just that other times of the year are easier for me to attend get togethers.

I am beyond Grateful for these past few days that I have gotten to be off work, in our home, with Jonathan and Mookie.  Life is Good!  We are Blessed! :-)

Dear December, I'm Starting To Like You! :)

Hello December,

I honestly don't remember a time when I didn't dread your coming, and did anything other than merely survive your visit!  I've never been a fan of cold weather, but the darkness your weather brings, does not help my situation.  It exacerbates my depression and it makes me want to hibernate, sleep, and eat cookie dough, LOTS and LOTS of cookie dough!  Oh, and I did spend many a December eating lots and lots of cookie dough!   It helped me feel better in the moment, but made me feel worse long term as my pant size kept moving up and up. 

Fourteen years ago something happened during your annual visit, that hurt me so very deeply and changed me forever.  My life would never be the same. Nor would I.  December 8th, 1999 my earthly Dad passed away.  He was 59 years old.  My Mom was now a 47 year old widow.  While the majority of my friends were  (and some still are) losing their Grandparents to death, I was experiencing the loss of my Dad.  I was 25 years old. My two Sisters were 24 and 21 years old.  

December of 1999 I was single and still trying to find my place in life.  I was still figuring out who I was.  Looking back, the new and improved 39 year old version of me sees that I was "just a baby" back then!  Since 1999, I have quite honestly hated you December! I'm just being real!  We were all still numb and in shock when Christmas Day came, just 2 weeks after Dad's funeral.  We, of course celebrated Christmas, but we were all just going thru the motions.  I was living in Wisconsin at the time.  I spent many a night alone and crying in my Apartment in Cudahy, WI.  

So now you know why I hated December, if you didn't already know!  It's the darkest month (I get Seasonal Affective Disorder), my Dad passed away in December right before Christmas, and being single for as long as I was, my singleness was only accentuated around the Holidays.  December used to only mean darkness, sadness, and loneliness for me.

Eleven years would pass before I would experience one of the happiest moments of my life, which happened to be in December.  December 10th, 2010 my now Husband Jonathan, asked me to marry him!!! :)  I of course said YES! :)  Here's a pic taken by my friends Chris and Holly the night of our engagement! :)

For the first time in eleven years, I had a happy event happen in my life in the darkest month of the year!  Thanks for that, Jonathan! :) We were Married on July 8th, 2011 and Christmas 2011 and 2012 we started making our own traditions.   I finally felt like I belonged and I finally had my Family! :)  He is my earthly rock! :)

Today is February 1st, 2014, and I just realized I never finished/posted this blog! Oops!  Better late than never, right?! :)  Anyways, last year (Dec of 2012), we had our 1st Annual Winter Solstice Party on December 21st.  I decorated with cheery, bright yellow decorations, and we celebrated the darkest day of the year with friends, knowing that from that day forward, we would be gaining daylight minutes!  YAY!! Now that's a reason to celebrate!  We had our 2nd Annual Winter Solstice Party on December 21st, 2013 and it was again, a huge success.  Everyone had a wonderful time, especially me! :)

The Winter Solstice Party Peeps, minus Matt, the Picture Taker (He didn't want to be in the pic anyways)!


 

Jonathan and I had a wonderful Christmas!  We spent Christmas Eve at my Sister's in St. Joseph, MI with immediate family.  It was great to be with Mom, Don, Grandma, and my Sister's and their Families (and of course my Hubs too!)! :)

Me and My Mom!



Me and My Hubby!

Christmas Day it is our tradition for it to be just us, hanging out at home together, with nowhere to be!  It was wonderful, as always! 

I also had lots of countdowns going on in December for my 40th Birthday, 40th Birthday Party, and our trip to Aruba (all in January). 

So, December, even though you still aren't my favorite month, I have to admit that I'm starting to like you, and making the most of your visit! :) 

See you in 10 months! :)

Love,


J-La-Sta

Home For Christmas

December 8th, 1999 was a life changing day for me and my family.  That is the day the Lord called my 59 year old Dad (Herbert William Latzke) home to heaven, leaving my Mom a 47 year old widow and my 2 sisters and I ages 25, 24, and 21 without an earthly Father.  Our world hasn't been the same since then.  Yes, life went on, but it has never been the same. Two months after Dad died, Mom was diagnosed with cancer.  Twelve years later, my Mom has been married to Don for 10 years, my Sister Pam has been married to Eddie for 16 & a half years, my Sister Debbie has been married to Scott for 10 & a half years, and I have been married to Jonathan for 5 months! :) Now we have our new normal.  December 8th is never an easy day for me.  I think Dad dying so close to Christmas has made Christmas a not so fun time for me.  However, this year I get to spend Christmas with my husband. My family is strong and I believe God has used our experiences to mold us into stronger people who can be there to comfort others as they grieve losses in their own lives. Everything happens for a reason.  I found this description about grieving the loss of a parent and I see it as being very accurate to the feelings I have experienced, so I wanted to share it with you.

"Remember, you have every reason to grieve. A parent’s death often leaves adult children with a sense of abandonment and even panic that catches us by surprise. But why are we caught off guard when the death of the "ma-ma" or "da-da" whose name we struggled to utter as tiny tots leaves us reeling or depressed or sleepless? We may have lived enough years to be an adult but we will always be a child in relation to our parents. Even if we find ourselves "parenting our parents" before their deaths, it is the parent of our youth and childhood that we bury. And, as author R. Scott Sullender says in Losses in Later Life, "The world is a different place after our parents die." Seldom are we, as adults, ready for a parent’s death. We may be busy building our careers or raising our families; we may be spending our free time traveling or seeking to settle down; we may be living close by or a continent away from our parents. Whatever the circumstances, it is virtually impossible to prepare ourselves emotionally for the loss.Well-meaning friends and others may seek to console us by saying, "Your mother lived a long, full life" or "Your dad was suffering so much- surely it’s a blessing." But those phrases ring hollow when it is our beloved mother or our dear dad who lies in the casket. Even if we experience a strong sense of relief mixed with our grief, the sorrow is very deep and very real."  Judy Ball

Here is a picture of my Dad's grave which was taken sometime after his funeral on December 11th, 1999.  He truly was "Home For Christmas". This will be his 13th Christmas in heaven.  I have also included the poem the Pastor read to the family in the basement of the Church before my Dad's funeral began. 

My First Christmas in Heaven
by Unknown

I've had my first Christmas in Heaven,
A glorious, wonderful day!
I stood with the saints of the ages,
Who found Christ, the truth and the Way.
I sang with the Heavenly choir:
Just think! I who loved to sing!
And, Oh! What celestial music
We brought to our Savior and King!
We sang the glad songs of redemption,
How Jesus to Bethlehem came,
And how they had called His name Jesus,
That all might be saved through His name.
We sang once with the angels,
The song that they spoke that blest morn
When shepherds first heard the glad story
That Jesus, the Savior, was born
O dear ones, I wish you had been here.
No Christmas on earth could compare
With all the rapture and glory
We witnessed in Heaven so fair.
You know how I always loved Christmas;
It seemed such a wonderful day,
With all of my loved ones around me,
The children so happy and gay.
Yes, now I can see why I loved it.
And Oh, what a joy it will be
When you and my loved ones are with me,
To share in the glories I see.
So, dear ones on earth, here’s my greeting,
Look up till the day dawn appears,
And Oh, what a Christmas awaits us
Beyond our parting tears.

I love you and miss you Dad! You are never forgotten and always loved!  Looking forward to seeing you again someday!  In fact, I'm really kind of envious of how you get to spend your Christmases! :)