Tonight I'm Giving Myself Permission to Just Be Sad

My Dad with his Grandson Trey. Trey was the only Grandchild he met.  Trey was 5 when Dad passed away.

   
     Today was a rough day for me.  I thought that after 17 years, I should be able to get thru the anniversary of Dad's death without being sad and letting it affect me like it does.   But, you know what?  I decided to give myself some Grace.  The loss of my Dad affected me deeply and profoundly.  News flash, I know, but I'm human!  Humans have feelings.  I have feelings.  Painful memories such as the loss of a close loved one, they resurface sometimes, and of course they would resurface on the Anniversary of his passing.  This is completely normal.  So I'm not going to tell myself not to be sad.  I'm going to allow myself to just be sad tonight, knowing that tomorrow is the Anniversary of his passing.  Even Jesus wept.  I miss my Dad.  I miss having a Dad.  He missed my Wedding.  He never met my Husband.  I was 25 when he passed.  So much life has happened since then.  I'm sad for all the things he has missed in my life, yet I would never want him back.  Selfishly, yes, but he is pain and worry free in heaven.  I listened to this song hundreds of times (alone in my apartment in WI, alone in my car) after his passing and shed lots of tears while listening to it.  Thanks to my Sister Pam who posted this song today and reminded me of it.  It has a healing effect for me, just listening to it again.  I'll warn you that the video itself is really lame, but the words.....the words touch me and bring me peace.

     I pray that if you need peace regarding the loss of a loved one, that this song would bring you some peace and comfort.

     Saturday Jonathan and I will celebrate our 7th Engagiversary, and 6 months of having Mookie in our lives.  I will allow myself to feel happy then.  But for tonight, I'm just sad, and that's ok.

The Thanksgiving Weekend I Didn't Know I Needed!

 At the risk of sounding like a Scrooge, I have strongly disliked the Holidays for as long as I can remember.  Just being real.  Rushing around here and there to get to at least 2 different Thanksgiving Celebrations and 2-4 Christmas Celebrations, during my hardest time of the year, stressed me out.  The fact that Dad passed away on December 8th, 17 years ago, didn't help me handle the holidays any easier.  Yes. I am an Extrovert.  Yes.  I love people.  But, I dislike rushing around trying to make it to every Holiday Celebration, so as to not upset anyone, while not taking care of me.

This Thanksgiving Weekend was hands down, the most relaxing and stress free Thanksgiving Weekend I have ever had.  This does not mean that every other Thanksgiving has been awful.  We have had some great Thanksgivings with Friends and Family, and we are so appreciative of all of the hard work that goes in to hosting Thanksgiving Dinners!  There are many things that play into why this was the most relaxing Thanksgiving I have ever had.  1.  This was the 1st time we have celebrated Thanksgiving in our own Home!  2.  We had a small, intimate celebration.  There were only 7 of us, plus Mookie.  3.  We didn't drive anywhere, not even for the day.  4.  This means we had 4 full days off together, at home, with no plans, and no driving. Mookie had a grooming appointment at 1:00pm on Friday, and that was the only thing we had planned.   I had so much time to just "be" in my own home, with my Husband, and my Dog.  It was glorious!

Thank you Jonathan, for all of the hard work you put into preparing our Feast.  It was delicious!  Also, thanks to Joel and Sandy and the boys for driving down from Grand Rapids to celebrate Thanksgiving with us.  It was so great to see you all!  I don't think God ever meant for us to get so stressed out over the Holidays.  Parties and gifts and appearances aren't the Reasons for the Season.  Jesus is the Real Reason for the Season!  He knows my Heart and He knows what I need, and it is truly liberating to have spent a Holiday exactly the way that I wanted to spend it.

So, if I don't show up for a Family Holiday Party.  Please don't take it personally.  This is just not my easiest time of year, and I need to take care of me.  So far, I'm doing a much better job of it than I have in years past.   Please understand, It's not that I don't want to see you.  It's just that other times of the year are easier for me to attend get togethers.

I am beyond Grateful for these past few days that I have gotten to be off work, in our home, with Jonathan and Mookie.  Life is Good!  We are Blessed! :-)

I Used Facebook to Feed My Approval Addiction - For 8 Years!

Those words were hard to type. 

I've thought long and hard about my motivation for writing this post.  I've come to realize that my motivation for writing this post is NOT for approval.  It's not for likes or comments that I may or may not get.  I'm writing this because I feel I owe an explanation to my FB Friends who have "followed me" loved me, supported me, and encouraged me over the past 8 years.  I want to explain why I am hardly on FB anymore and most importantly, why I rarely post anything anymore.  So here goes it.....

When I first joined FB in August of 2007, I was not in a good place in life.  I had recently lost my job in Milwaukee, I had moved back to South Bend, leaving 15 years of Friends behind in Wisconsin.  I was unemployed, I had no money.  I was 33 years old,  I was Single, and I was living with my Grandma.  I didn't have close friends in South Bend yet, and didn't know many people here either.  All of that would be stressful enough for anyone.  Yet, on top of this, My Mom's cancer (she had been battling cancer for 7.5 years since my Dad passed away) was in her bones, and my 12 year old Nephew and Godson was awaiting open heart surgery for a birth defect that was found a month or 2 before that.  I was lonely, anxious, worried, stressed, and I could go on and on, but I won't.  You get the idea!  Playing the victim (my default) didn't help matters any at all, as you can imagine!

Facebook was my way of being able to keep in touch with Friends and Family who lived far away.  It made me feel loved and connected.  It made me feel like I belonged, like I mattered.  Because back then, I didn't believe that I mattered.  Sad, huh?  More that that, it gave me an outlet to post my feelings.  So, did I overshare?  Yes.  Have I continued to overshare?  Yes.  I'm a people person.  Sharing who I am and what I'm feeling is part of who I am.  I'm so appreciative of all of the support and encouragement I've received during my single years, my engagement, my marriage to Jonathan, our getting debt free after 1 year of marriage, the loss of Jonathan's Dad, my surgery a few days later, my Mom's continued battle with cancer, our extreme weight loss, and most recently, my 37 year old Brother-in-Law's (Father of 4) very rare Sarcoma cancer diagnosis.

I knew I was addicted to Facebook.  What I didn't realize until recently, was that I used Facebook to feed my approval addiction.  I was actually more addicted to approval (likes, positive comments, etc), than I was to Facebook, I just didn't realize it until now.  My choice to overshare, let people know about what was going on in my life, without even having to make an effort.  That was my fault. 

Emotional intimacy is not something that has come easy for us (me and Jonathan), especially for me.  I can be the center of attention in a big crowd and it takes no effort, it just comes naturally for me.  However, one on one emotional connection has always been more challenging for me.  Jonathan, by nature, is not an initiator.  So when I would sit on FB, he would watch TV and/or play games on his phone.  July 8th will be our 4 year anniversary.  We have been thru so many difficult and life changing events since getting married.   We are strong, both as individuals and as a couple.  We love to travel together and bless others.  God has been So Good to us!  We are so Blessed!  Most recently we have decided to start saving for a house, which we plan to purchase in the Spring/Summer of 2017. 

I don't want to say I've wasted 8 years of my life on FB.  That is not true.  Have I wasted a lot of time on FB?  Yes.  I would post something and then check over and over and over again to see if anyone or anyone new had "liked" it.  Come on!  I KNOW I'm not the only person who did that! LOL

Over the past 3 weeks or so, Jonathan and I have spent lots of quality time together.  You know what?  We don't get nearly as irritated with each other for "interrupting our FB/TV Time"!  You know why?  Because we are making each other a priority.  Quite honestly, I think we needed some "adjustment time" between getting married (after having been single for so long!) and having so much quality time together.  I regret some (not all) of the time I've wasted on FB.....but I don't regret encouraging others and sharing my story and our story!  I regret looking to FB for approval, instead of my Savior.  I regret giving people the power to help or hurt me simply by liking or not liking my status update.

So, will I post here and there?  Yes.  I'm not deleting my FB account.  I just am not on FB as much.  I don't post as much b/c a little bit of posting.....feeds my addiction, just like a little bit of alcohol feeds the addiction of an alcoholic.

We are enjoying spending time with each other, our friends and our family.  I am equally enjoying not needing to inform FB about every detail of my life.  I also don't feel like I'm missing out.  I'm more relaxed, less anxious, more at peace, and living my life, instead of thinking about how I'm going to documenting it.  It's SO FREEING not worrying about why someone is "liking" the statuses of others, but not liking mine. 

I'm free, and I couldn't be happier!! Happy 4th Anniversary to the Love of my Life and Happy 40th Birthday Honey!  I'm Blessed to have you in my Life, for as long as the Lord allows before He chooses to take either one of us (or both of us) Home to Heaven.  You are my Greatest Earthly Blessing! :-)  Thank you for treating me like I belong and like I matter!

Thank You to all of my FB Friends, for EVERYTHING!! :-)  I would love to email/text/get together for coffee/talk on the phone, or whatever.  You are loved, by God and by Me! :-)

Happy Valentines Day To The Love Of My Life!!

It really is true what they say, that after you have been Married for a while, Valentine's Day isn't nearly as big of a deal as it used to be.  When I was Single I always felt left out and felt as if my Singleness was accentuated on that day.  Everyone else had a Valentine (or so I thought), but I didn't.  I have learned that Real Everyday Married Love goes so much deeper than the love that can be expressed on February 14th every year. 

Real Love is choosing to change unhealthy lifestyles together because of your love for the other person and your love for yourself.  Real Love is supporting each other thru caring for and watching a parent die of cancer.  Real Love is being there when your spouse is hospitalized and has surgery even though your Dad just died 2 days prior.  Real Love is going with each other to the grave sites of our earthly Fathers.  Real Love is going to support a loved one during a sentencing hearing.  Real Love is choosing to love each other even on days when we don't feel so lovable.  Real Love is living everyday life with all of it's stressors and ups and downs.

We have lived a lot of life in our 1317 days of Marriage.  The loss and struggles we have experienced together, have only made us stronger.  Together we have accomplished far more than we could have individually.  This Covenant Marriage is no doubt God's design.  We aren't the same people we were the day we got Married.  Jonathan hit his goal weight at weight watcher's today.  He is 115 pounds lighter than the day we got Married.  I have lost a lot of weight myself.  We are also debt free.  Both weight loss and debt loss require sacrifice and not giving in to our every whim and feeling and want.  Going thru these processes together has taught us discipline.  We are Happy!  We are Healthy!  We are Blessed!  We are Thankful!

I Love You Baby!  There is no one else I'd rather be doing life with!  Thank you for your extreme patience with me thru all of these lovely hormonal changes that no one warned me about!  You are the Best!  You are one of the hardest working, most caring, most loving, most accepting people I know!  Thank you for Daily Teaching me about Love and Grace!  I can't wait to share your 40th Birthday with you at Fenway Park!  I know we will feel God's presence and your Dad's presence in those precious moments together!  We leave on our NYC/Boston Trip in just 140 days!  In 144 days we will celebrate our 4th Wedding Anniversary and in 146 days we will be at Fenway Park celebrating your 40th Birthday while we watch the Red Sox hopefully beat the Yankees!  I cannot wait to experience that with you because I love You! 

Happy Valentine's Day Mr. Stanley!  I will love you until God calls me home...cuz...well...I am the "Cougar" in this Relationship! :-)

Here's to many more Valentines Days together, but most importantly, many more days of living everyday life together!

I am SO PROUD of You and Proud of the Man you are, have become, and are becoming! 

Love Always,


Mrs. Stanley

Have You Met My Dad?

If you have known me less than 15 years, you for sure have not met my Dad.   His name was Herbert William Latzke.  He was born on November 3rd, 1940 and passed away on December 8th, 1999.   Heaven has been his home since December 8th, 1999.  I can't believe it's already been 15 years of memories that we have made without him!  I was at a joint Memorial Service today for my Friend's Dad and Stepmom who passed away 9 days apart from each other.  Her Stepmom's Niece told us about her Stepmom, and a Friend of her Dad's told us about her Dad.  This gave me the idea, that rather than focusing on my loss tomorrow, I would write a blog post telling you all about my Dad.  I want to focus on his 59 years of life, rather than on my loss.  So, I will tell you things about my Dad to give you a glimpse into his life.

• He was his parent's 2nd born child.  He had an older brother, 2 younger brothers, and a younger Sister (all of whom are still living).

• He was born in Eagle River, WI.

• He grew up in Elkhart/Edwardsburg.  His Dad worked for Studebaker and owned an Avanti.

• He was 31 years old when he Married my Mom.

• He had 3 Daughters (I am the oldest).

• My Mom had a half hour labor with me and Dad had to deliver me at home.  I was almost born on the toilet.  They called him Dr. Latzke for like 3 years!

• He worked as a Realtor for many years in the 80's while I was growing up, but left that Industry due to the economy and needing a steady paycheck to provide for his family.

• He was working for Reese Products in Elkhart, IN when he passed away.  He had worked there for 9-10 years.

• He had an incredibly strong work ethic.  He worked very hard to provide for us.

• He loved God and had the best of intentions.

• He did not like change (hmm...wonder where I got that from?).  Every Sunday we had to sit in the 3rd pew on the Left side of the Church.  He was pretty territorial about this.

• He was a deep and analytical thinker, much like myself.  No one else in my Family thinks like I do, but he did!

• He was a strict German Lutheran.  The Old Red Hymnal was like God's Inspired Word to him, and if it changed it was the end of the World. Let's not even talk about the NIV version of the Bible!  He was King James all the way and the NIV was the worst thing ever!  Can you see a theme here about not liking change? :-)

• He called me Jen Jen.  I don't allow anyone else to call me this, not even Jonathan.  It hurts too much.  I once had someone call me this over and over, even after I asked him to stop.  Yeah, I don't talk to this person anymore. :-)

• He worried a lot.

• He frequently recited "This is the day that the Lord has made.  We will rejoice and be glad in it!".  Oh did I hate it when he would say that, but now it's one of my best memories of him.

• He was mechanical and fixed all of our cars.  Taking them to a garage to be fixed was not an option, even when I lived 200 miles away.

• He and Mom sacrificed a lot to send us to private Christian Grade School/High School.

• Deep down, he was a softie.  He got teary eyed quite often while watching TV.

• He owned a 1951 Kaiser when I was a little kid.

• He had a silly sense of humor.  He thought it was funny to say "Hey Jen, Where's Ben?".  Had I known a Ben, I would have told him where Ben was! LOL :-)

• He pulled me and one of my Sister's on a sled down State Road 23 to go to Martins for groceries during the blizzard of 1978.  Mom was pregnant with girl number 3 at the time.

• He didn't have the best singing voice, but he sure belted it out while singing at Church, singing praises to our God.   He didn't care what others thought. 

• He loved being a Grandpa to Trey.  Trey was 5 when Dad passed away.

• He got to walk 1 of his 3 daughters down the aisle at her Wedding (the middle Sister, Pam).

• He looked the most like his Brother Bill.  I always say if people want to know what Dad would look like now if he were still alive, just look at his Brother Bill!

• He had Lupus and learned to take life one day at a time while in the hospital, before he passed away.

• He frequently said "Jennifer, Pam, & Debbie" when trying to address just one of us girls. 

• His Favorite Bible Verses were Proverbs 3:5-6:  Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him,  and he will direct your paths.

So there you have it, a glimpse into the Man that I call my Dad!  He is never forgotten and always loved.  Happy 15th Anniversary of your entrance into Heaven, Dad!  I've grown up lots since you left, but I'm Happy and I'm so Blessed to have an Amazing Husband!  I love you!  See you soon!



~Jen Jen

Dear December, I'm Starting To Like You! :)

Hello December,

I honestly don't remember a time when I didn't dread your coming, and did anything other than merely survive your visit!  I've never been a fan of cold weather, but the darkness your weather brings, does not help my situation.  It exacerbates my depression and it makes me want to hibernate, sleep, and eat cookie dough, LOTS and LOTS of cookie dough!  Oh, and I did spend many a December eating lots and lots of cookie dough!   It helped me feel better in the moment, but made me feel worse long term as my pant size kept moving up and up. 

Fourteen years ago something happened during your annual visit, that hurt me so very deeply and changed me forever.  My life would never be the same. Nor would I.  December 8th, 1999 my earthly Dad passed away.  He was 59 years old.  My Mom was now a 47 year old widow.  While the majority of my friends were  (and some still are) losing their Grandparents to death, I was experiencing the loss of my Dad.  I was 25 years old. My two Sisters were 24 and 21 years old.  

December of 1999 I was single and still trying to find my place in life.  I was still figuring out who I was.  Looking back, the new and improved 39 year old version of me sees that I was "just a baby" back then!  Since 1999, I have quite honestly hated you December! I'm just being real!  We were all still numb and in shock when Christmas Day came, just 2 weeks after Dad's funeral.  We, of course celebrated Christmas, but we were all just going thru the motions.  I was living in Wisconsin at the time.  I spent many a night alone and crying in my Apartment in Cudahy, WI.  

So now you know why I hated December, if you didn't already know!  It's the darkest month (I get Seasonal Affective Disorder), my Dad passed away in December right before Christmas, and being single for as long as I was, my singleness was only accentuated around the Holidays.  December used to only mean darkness, sadness, and loneliness for me.

Eleven years would pass before I would experience one of the happiest moments of my life, which happened to be in December.  December 10th, 2010 my now Husband Jonathan, asked me to marry him!!! :)  I of course said YES! :)  Here's a pic taken by my friends Chris and Holly the night of our engagement! :)

For the first time in eleven years, I had a happy event happen in my life in the darkest month of the year!  Thanks for that, Jonathan! :) We were Married on July 8th, 2011 and Christmas 2011 and 2012 we started making our own traditions.   I finally felt like I belonged and I finally had my Family! :)  He is my earthly rock! :)

Today is February 1st, 2014, and I just realized I never finished/posted this blog! Oops!  Better late than never, right?! :)  Anyways, last year (Dec of 2012), we had our 1st Annual Winter Solstice Party on December 21st.  I decorated with cheery, bright yellow decorations, and we celebrated the darkest day of the year with friends, knowing that from that day forward, we would be gaining daylight minutes!  YAY!! Now that's a reason to celebrate!  We had our 2nd Annual Winter Solstice Party on December 21st, 2013 and it was again, a huge success.  Everyone had a wonderful time, especially me! :)

The Winter Solstice Party Peeps, minus Matt, the Picture Taker (He didn't want to be in the pic anyways)!


 

Jonathan and I had a wonderful Christmas!  We spent Christmas Eve at my Sister's in St. Joseph, MI with immediate family.  It was great to be with Mom, Don, Grandma, and my Sister's and their Families (and of course my Hubs too!)! :)

Me and My Mom!



Me and My Hubby!

Christmas Day it is our tradition for it to be just us, hanging out at home together, with nowhere to be!  It was wonderful, as always! 

I also had lots of countdowns going on in December for my 40th Birthday, 40th Birthday Party, and our trip to Aruba (all in January). 

So, December, even though you still aren't my favorite month, I have to admit that I'm starting to like you, and making the most of your visit! :) 

See you in 10 months! :)

Love,


J-La-Sta

Live & Love With URGENCY!!!!

 

Life is short!  You may be thinking, "Yes, I have heard this many times before...blah blah blah!"  I know we have all probably heard this saying hundreds of times in our lives, but do we really believe it?  If we do really believe it, are we living like it is true? 

"Learn to live life with a sense of urgency, because even if you get to live a long one, it's still incredibly short.  Don't save things for a special occasion.  Go out and do the things you want to do, tell people how you really feel, and stop wasting time and energy on things that really don't matter."  AwesomeLifeTips.com

I'll be the first to admit that I'm a saver.  Friends gave us a bottle of chocolate wine as a Thank You gift in April.  I'm saving it for our 2 year Anniversary in July!  :-)  If it weren't for my Husband, I probably wouldn't have a whole lot of fun.  We really balance each other out!  I help him save more and he helps me spend more.  We make a great Team!  I think saving for Retirement is a very good and responsible thing to do.  However, I also know many people who never made it to Retirement age before they were called home to Heaven.  We are taking the advice of my late Father-In-Law and, while being financially responsible, we are planning to travel now, while we are relatively young and healthy.  There are no guarantees in life.

The following portions of Scripture also point out how short life is:

"Teach us to realize the brevity of life so that we may grow in wisdom." Psalm 90:12 NLT

“Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be.  Remind me that my days are numbered—how fleeting my life is. " Psalm 39:4 NLT

     Our days are numbered!  Two weeks ago a 6 year old girl was murdered by her father in our apartment complex.  This week I attended a visitation for a co-worker who was in his 20's.  A 22 year old son of a lady from my former Church died this week as a result of injuries suffered when he was shot 6 months ago.  A friend's Brother died at age 41 last year.  My Dad was 59 when he passed away on 12/8/1999.   My Husband's Dad was 67 when he passed away this February 26th.  You get the idea.  Not everyone lives to be 90 years old!  I've heard friends say things like "I'm not ready to lose my Mom/Dad yet!"  No one is EVER ready to lose a loved one!  However, when we will lose loved ones is completely out of our control.  It is up to God.  Loss hurts and it stings deep.  You never "get over it"!  But God is Good and He will heal your heart and enable you to comfort others with the comfort you have received.

     Those who know me, know that I am a Numbers Gal!  I love dates and numbers and countdowns! :)   I was blessed to have 25 Years 11 Months and 5 Days of having an earthly Dad.  That's 9,470 days!  My Dad has already been in Heaven for 13 Years 6 Months 1 Week and 1 Day.  That's 4,939 days!  A new Chapter of my life began when I started getting to know my now Husband.  That was 3 Years 8 Months and 1 Week ago!  That's 1346 Days!  My Husband and I were talking about what we miss about his Dad who passed away 3 Months and 3 Weeks ago.  Only 110 days ago.  He then asked me what I miss most about my Dad.  I told him I miss the fact that my Dad was analytical and the most like me, and the one person in my family who "got" me.  I've been thinking about my Husband's question a lot.  After 13.5 years, so much of my adult life has been lived without my Dad, that it's sometimes hard to remember what I miss about him.  There are now so many memories that don't include him.  This makes me sad.  No one can ever take his place, but last Father's Day was Awesome!  For the first time since my Dad passed away, I had a Father figure in my life....my Father-In-Law.  He loved me to pieces and always told me how great I was and how Jonathan and I light up a room when we walk into it, etc. etc. etc.  I miss him so much!  This is my Husband's first Father's Day not having an earthly Father.  Please keep him in your prayers.

I want to live my life as if everyday will be my last, or the last of those around me.  I am FAR from perfect, but I know if I look at life in that light, that I will treat others better.  I want them to see Jesus in me.  I want others to know that they are loved unconditionally, with an everlasting love!  I want them to know that there is life, hope, laughter, love...both here and in Eternity!

Will you do it?  Will you Live and Love like today is your last and/or the last of those around you?

Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13

Sudden Death vs. Anticipatory Grief

     Loss sucks!  Grieving sucks!  It's some tough stuff, and far from easy!  Death is very final.  It isn't fair!  Life isn't fair!  Yes, as Christians, we have peace and comfort in knowing that we will see our loved ones, who also love Jesus, in heaven again someday.  But we carry the pain of the loss of our loved ones with us for the rest of our earthly lives.  As time passes, the waves of grief grow fewer and farther between, but they still come.  These waves of pain come on our loved one's Birthday, on the anniversary of their death, and on important and meaningful events in our lives, like weddings, or the birth of a child..  It's not like just because we know they are in heaven and we will see them again someday, that we don't struggle with the loss and the void that is forever left in our lives, that no one else can possibly ever fill.  That's just completely unrealistic.  Even the Bible says "Jesus wept".

     I dealt with grief from a sudden death when my Dad passed way 12/8/1999 at the age of 59, from complications related to his Lupus.  I was 25 years old at the time.  My parents were still married at the time.  My Mom was a 47 year old widow and 2 months later was diagnosed with breast cancer.  She has now battled cancer for 13 years.  She is the strongest woman I know!  My Dad wasn't at my wedding.  No one else could fill that void.  No one is ever ready for the loss of a loved one, but with my Dad, I didn't see it coming.  A lot of deaths are like that.  No notice, no time to say good-bye, or to say the things you wished you had gotten to say.

     Recently I've been reading about a form of grief called "anticipatory grief".  "Anticipatory grief" is when you know the grief is coming, but it just hasn't arrived yet.  Per Edward Meyers, in his book, When Parents Die, "A sudden death hits you like an explosion," Myers explains, "and sends you into shock, whereas a slow decline arrives more like a glacier, massive and unstoppable, grinding you down."  My Husband and I are in the midst of anticipatory grief.  Eleven days ago, my Husband's Dad's Dr, called him to let him know that his Dad's lung cancer had spread to his brain.  His Dad is 67 years old.  He has a large tumor on the left side of his brain.  He was hospitalized for 10 days.  He is now back at the nursing home.  There is no cure.  He wouldn't survive surgery.  He is halfway thru his radiation treatments.  The radiation will not cure him, it will only help decrease the symptoms.  He is getting progressively worse.  Having experienced the grief from a sudden death, and now experiencing "anticipatory grief", I found Myers description to be extremely accurate! 

"Anticipatory grief does feel heavy, and it is unstoppable, dragging you down. But that quote from Myers made us stop and think. The alternative to a slow death is a quick death. What if mom had died suddenly in a car accident? Or had a massive, fatal heart attack? We would have missed these past months of closeness. The time to say the things we wouldn't have had time to say, to give the hugs, to share in one more meal, one more picture, one more smile. We have had the time to say good-bye. There will be no regrets on that frontier." via this blog. 
 

It is very hard watching Keith's health decline.  We are exhausted, both physically and emotionally, but we will have no regrets.  We have had almost 5 months of "closeness, hugs, telling him we love him, showing him we love him, visiting with him, calling him, etc, etc."  I had regrets when Dad died, I still do.  But, I also didn't have to watch him slowly decline, and didn't have to see him suffer.  I am in a much better place in life now.  I am more established.  I am older.  Yes, loss is hard at any age.  But a 25 year old doesn't expect to lose a parent that early in life.  I am thankful Jonathan and I have each other to lean on for support during this difficult time.  I am also thankful that we will have no regrets when God calls Keith home, and that we heeded God's calling to step up and care for Keith.  We love Keith because God first loved us.  Thank you to those of you who sent him a Christmas card or any other type of card!  He was overwhelmed by your outpouring of love and support!  He knows he is loved, by God and by us, and that is all that matters.

Please keep Keith and our family in your prayers during the days, weeks, and months ahead. 

Thank you! :)

Lamentations 3: 21-26:

²¹ Yet I still dare to hope
when I remember this:

²² The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
His mercies never cease.
²³ Great is his faithfulness;
his mercies begin afresh each morning.
²⁴ I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;
therefore, I will hope in him!”

²⁵ The Lord is good to those who depend on him,
to those who search for him.
²⁶ So it is good to wait quietly
for salvation from the Lord.

We Have Been Married For 500 Days Today!

J & J - 7/8/2011 - Clearwater Beach, FL

 

Those of you who know me, know that I am a numbers girl!  I love dates and numbers!  Well, today we have been married for 500 days!  In my opinion, that is blog worthy for sure! :)  I also find it interesting that our first date was 1,137 days ago.  We have almost been married for half of the time we have been together! 

 

Looking back, we realize that our 1st year of marriage was a breeze!  We are thankful that we could just be Newlyweds for a year and not have any other major life events happen during that year of adjustment.  Marriage is an adjustment (especially for those of us who have been single well into our 30's.), but it is a happy adjustment.  Change is hard, but good change is MUCH easier than the changes the past few months have brought us.

 

We are learning more now about some of the "worse" parts of our "for better or worse" vows.  Life has been anything BUT easy for us the past 2 months.  The things we are dealing with, most people wouldn't expect to have to deal with until well into their 40's, 50's and even 60's.  Jonathan's Dad is only 67, but he has had Stage IV lung cancer for 2 years and 3 months.  He also has COPD.  My Mom is only 60, but has been battling cancer for almost 13 years now.  Emotionally, that's a lot for us to handle in and of itself.  But it's not just dealing with the emotional part of it.  We had to put Jonathan's Dad in a nursing home and Jonathan is now the Power of Attorney for his Dad.  We are his only weekly/twice a week visitors and the nursing home is 30 minutes away from us.  We both work full time outside the home.  We may not have children, but we (especially Jonathan) do have a LOT of responsibility!  Jonathan has learned A LOT (more than he ever thought he would have to know at age 37) about Medicaid, Medicare, Nursing Homes, Cemeteries, Funeral Insurance, FMLA, etc, the past few months. 

 

This has been a very stressful time for us.  We have been flying by the seat of our pants. Uncertainty is hard to deal with.  While we don't know what the future holds, we do know that God has been with us every step of the way, and will continue to give us His strength.  He saw to it that Keith was approved for Medicaid the FIRST time, and for that we are very thankful!  Jonathan has said he wants to use the knowledge he has gained to help friends when/if they have to go thru this stuff with their aging parents.

 

Jonathan and I are extremely grateful that we have each other during this dreary time in our lives.  I think overall we are doing as well as we can be doing given the circumstances.  Things have settled down a little bit now that Keith has been approved for Medicaid.  We are looking forward to 3 nights away for my Birthday after the New Year!

 

This Thanksgiving, I am thankful that Keith has accepted Jesus.  I'm also thankful that Jonathan is my Husband and that we are a team...for better or for worse.  I'm thankful that we are blessed to spend another Thanksgiving with my Mom and with Jonathan's Dad.  Life is short, but life is precious.  We are learning to live in the moment.  None of us are guaranteed tomorrow. 

 

We know this too shall pass, but for now, we cling to Jesus and to each other.

 

Our Marriage verse was "God sets the lonely in families".  We may feel weary and overwhelmed, but we are not lonely. 

 

Thank you Lord for my 500th day of being married to the love of my life.  I waited and waited, but you were faithful, as always!

 

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!  Savor every minute you are blessed to have with your loved ones this Holiday Season! :)

 

Love,

 

 

 

J-La-Sta

 

Random Thoughts By J-La-Sta

1. My husband and I need a break from life.
2. It's been 7 weeks today since Jonathan's Dad went into the hospital and J started the process of becoming POA for his Dad, which changed our lives dramatically.
3. I will never again say "this is a piece of cake compared to what I went thru alone as a single person".  As soon as I said that, God started to challenge us!
4. I hate the end of daylight saving time.
5. I hate these short days.
6. I know that I start to feel better after the New Year starts.
7. Only 36 more days till we start to gain daylight instead of losing it.
8. I am thankful that my my mammogram came back normal! 
9. I'm thankful Jonathan's Dad was approved for Medicaid.
10. I HATE cancer.  I hate what it does to my Mom and I hate what it is doing to my FIL.
11. I can't believe December 8th it will have been 13 years since my Dad passed away.
12. I got an email from parents.com informing me my baby is the size of a cantaloupe at 21 weeks.....UMMM.....Really???  Do they know something I don't?  Our plate is already quite full!
13. It's a challenge to stay positive when there is so much negative going on in the lives of those we love.
14. I know God has a plan and will work things out for the good of those who love Him, but it doesn't mean we don't get weary, stressed, and sad.
15. Speaking of SAD, I hate Seasonal Affective Disorder and what it does to me.
16. There will always be people who have things "easier" than you, and there will always be people who have things "much harder" than you.
17. Sometimes life just sucks and is incredibly overwhelming.
18. My Vitamin D levels were great, much to my surprise!
19. We are both looking forward to having 4 very much needed days off in a row for Thanksgiving!  Only 5 more days of work for me and 6 more days of work for Jonathan.
20. We plan to treasure time with loved ones over the Holidays.  Life is short and we need to savor the memories.

Happy 13th Birthday In Heaven Dad!

November 3rd, 1940 Herbert William Latzke, who would later be my Dad, was born in Eagle River, WI.  Yep, he would have been 72 years old today!  He spent 59 years on this earth and passed away on December 8th, 1999.  So much has changed since then, in the world, and in our family.

 

 

THEN:

November 3rd, 1999 (Dad's 59th Birthday):

• I was 25 years old. 

• I was living in Cudahy, WI.

• I called you to wish you a Happy Birthday.

• I was working 2nd shift and overnights, with at-risk teens, at Calvary Academy in South Milwaukee, WI.

• I was single and thought I'd never get married.

• My Nephew Trey (Dad's only Grandchild at the time) was 5 years old

• Bill Clinton was President of the United States.

• We couldn't have comprehended that less than 2 years later, 9-11 would terrorize our Nation.

• Mom was cancer free.

NOW:

November 3rd, 2012 (Dad's 13th Birthday in Heaven):

• I am 38 years old (yet somehow I haven't aged one bit!) 

• I have been living back in South Bend, IN for 5.5 years (Yes, I know I said I'd NEVER move back to South Bend! I am older and wiser and have learned to never say never!)

• I can't call you to wish you a Happy Birthday, but I will be thinking of you all day.

• I have been working at an Insurance Company for 4.5 years.

• I have been married to an Amazing man named Jonathan for 16 months.

• My Nephew Trey (Dad's 1st Grandson) is now 18 years old!  There are now 4 more Grandchildren that Dad never got the chance to meet.  No, I did not have quadruplets! LOL :)  Lexi will be 10 tomorrow,  Hannah is 8, Tyler is 6 and Myles just turned 3. 

• Barack Obama is President of the United States.  The Presidential election is in 3 days and I cannot wait for it to be over!

• We are living in a post 9-11 world, and the world seems to be getting more and more violent.

• Mom has been battling cancer since 2 months after you passed away (February, 2000)

Life has changed since you went home to heaven Dad, in wonderful ways, and in some not so wonderful ways.  But one thing that won't change, is that I will always love you and miss you!

 

 

Happy 72nd Birthday Dad!  See you soon!

 

 

Love,

 

 

 

Jen Jen

 

 



The Day We Were Called To Step Up

 

     Life is full of changes.  I'm getting better with change, but I still don't like it, and I still have a hard time with it.  Change is even harder for me during the fall/winter months, as Seasonal Affective Disorder does affect me, no matter how many steps I take to prevent it and make it better.  We have been married for 15 months, and our first major life change as a married couple, began on September 26th, 2012, just 18 days ago.

"Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts."
Arnold Bennett

"The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance."
Alan Watts

"The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance."
Nathaniel Branden

  My Mom was first diagnosed with breast cancer in February of 2000 (2 months after my Dad, her Husband, passed away).  She has been battling this disease for almost 13 years.  She continues to work full time on her feet while receiving daily treatments.  My Mom turned 60 this Summer.  I'm thankful she has her Husband Don of 11 years, to care for her.  Jonathan's Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer August of 2010, but we weren't made aware of it until March of 2011.  Jonathan's Dad turned 67 this Summer.  I hate cancer.  It sucks!  Even more, I hate that the fact that the word cancer doesn't really phase me anymore because I've heard it SO much over the years in regards to family and friends. 

The newly married couple with my Mom 7/8/2011

Jonathan & his Dad Father's Day 2012

Me & my FIL Father's Day 2012

   Jonathan's Dad was hospitalized for approx 6 days before Father's Day of this year.  He was hospitalized again for approx 8 days in August.  We didn't find out until that time, that when he was first diagnosed, he already had stage 4 cancer.  When he left the hospital in August, he went to live with his daughter in Elkhart.  On September 26th, 2012, Jonathan got a call from a nurse at Elkhart General Hospital asking him to call her back in regards to his Dad.  We were of course concerned about Keith, but it also struck us as odd that Jonathan got the call, since Jonathan's Sister who lives in Elkhart was the contact person for the hospital.  To make a long (and extremely sad and complicated) story short, Jonathan's Dad's living situation suddenly changed.  We had no clue!  From the moment we arrived at the hospital that Wednesday evening, we knew we would need to step up to the plate and be there for Keith.  He had been living in his house for a week with no utilities.  He had lost 30 lbs since we saw him last. He needed us more now than ever.  We are the only 2 people he has who live in the area.  From that day forward, Jonathan became the contact person for the hospital. 

     During Keith's hospital stay, Jonathan worked with the Social Worker to determine where Keith would go after he was released.  Jonathan has learned so much about the ins and outs of Medicare and Medicaid.  Fun stuff!  NOT!  Keith was hospitalized for 9 days.  During his hospital stay Jonathan and I searched his truck and house for necessary paperwork to get him applied for medicaid.  It was then that we became aware of the horrendous conditions he had been living in the past week.  We were determined to never ever ever let him live there again, even if he needed to come live with us.  We had planned to go away to a bed and breakfast for the weekend of Oct 5th/6th, but cancelled the Tuesday before.  We knew we needed to be there for Keith. 

     Monday, October 1st, Jonathan stayed home because he caught the cold I had.  I decided that instead of going to Bible class at church, that I would go to visit Keith, because he needed me.  I am SO thankful God lead me to make the right choice. I didn't know until I got to his room that evening, that he had almost passed away overnight.  Keith told me that evening that he "asked Jesus to accept him today" and said "I hope He can forgive me!".  I told him that "He already has".  I also asked if I could pray with him before I left.  Wow!  I will never forget that evening as long as I live!  It was very special!  God certainly put me in the right place at the right time! :)

     It's been an emotional and exhausting 18 days for us.  Jonathan has been using most of his breaks/lunches at work to take care of getting his Dad applied for medicaid, getting him into a nursing home, etc.  The hospital released Keith on Friday, October 5th, 2012.  They transported him to a nursing home.  He is not well enough to live anywhere else.  We are both SO thankful to Jonathan's Sister Sandy and her family who were in town when he was transferred to the nursing home, and helped him get settled, and made sure he got the things he needed from the store.  It made us be able to focus better at work, knowing Keith had them to help him with this transition.  We are convinced Keith was well enough to leave the hospital because Sandy, Joel, and their 3 boys came to town to see him.  He needed to go to the Nursing Home. We both work full time and would not be able to be here to give him the 24 hour care he needs.  After coordinating it and finding wonderful people who were willing to help Notarize and Witness for us, Jonathan's Dad made him his Power Of Attorney on Wednesday.  This is a huge responsibility!  But one that my Husband knew he had to take on.  I am so proud of him for taking on this responsibility.  God truly has called us to serve Keith. 

     I found the following information on this website in regards to what being a POA entails: http://www.sbshlaw.com.

"It is always a good idea to discuss your expectations and wishes with whomever you plan to name in this important document, before you sign it. First of all, that person is going to have a lot of responsibility in the event of your incapacity. They may be responsible to write your checks, pay your bills, balance your accounts, manage your investments and file your tax returns among other things. It’s not so much an honor to be named in a durable power of attorney document as it is an immense responsibility."

     Yes, we both had full time jobs, and we both have our apartment to keep up, but we don't have a house, we don't have kids, we were planning on going to Hawaii in February, but we didn't have any HUGE responsibilities.  Our life has changed.  That is ok.  We will have the rest of our lives (God willing) to travel, etc.  But the important thing is that we are here for our parents when they need us.  Now is one of those times.  Keith needs us more than anyone right now.  He is adjusting to the nursing home.  We live in South Bend, and it is a good 35 minute drive for us to get to the nursing home.  Our goal is to go 2-3 times a week to visit him.  We want him to know that he is not alone.

We haven't really had much time to focus on each other, but we realize this needs to be a priority in our lives.  If we don't take care of ourselves and spend time together, we won't be any good for Keith.  I found the following information on this website:  http://life.familyeducation.com:

 

"Praise your spouse often when he or she is dealing with an aging parent. Let him or her know how difficult it is and how well he or she is managing things. Your praise will go a long way when your spouse is handling such an emotional issue. It's especially important to keep your relationship with each other strong. You might be feeling overwhelmed by time and energy commitments to a parent, but don't forget each other. Keep doing nice things for each other, treating each other nicely, and spending time together. Even if you cannot spend as much time together as you used to, make every effort to spend at least a reasonable amount of regular time together. You will best be able to support each other if you continue investing in the relationship."
 

     We want to put God first, our relationship second, Keith 3rd, but we also have jobs that we need to keep! :)  Yes, we won't be able to spend as much time together as we did before, but we are choosing to make it a priority in regards to our "New Normal".  Jonathan and I are incredibly blessed to have each other for help, support and encouragement during this difficult and challenging time.


     Keith asked Jonathan the other day if he could read the Bible with him.  That, my friends, makes all of this crap worth while! :)  We don't know how many days Keith has left on this earth, but we are convinced that God called us to serve Keith in this capacity right now.  I have to remember that God is in control of Keith's life, here and in heaven, and that I can do my best, but need to let go and let God. 

Please keep us all in your prayers, especially Keith!  Please pray that we will remain strong and will serve Keith in the way that God has called us to serve him.  Thank you!  :)

"God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him."  James 1:12

Pure True Indescribable Joy

Have you ever experienced pure true indescribable Joy?  I have!  Easter Sunday, April 8th, 2012 is the day I experienced pure true indescribable Joy!  This was my Baptism Day!  Yes, I was baptized as an infant.  If you want to know why I chose to get baptized as an adult, you can read that blog by clicking this link. For about 2 weeks afterwards, I was on what I called a "Baptism high".  It's been exactly 4 months today since my Baptism, and even now I have such Joy in my heart when I think about that wonderful day!  It truly was one of 2 of the happiest days of my life!  That day changed my life and my heart forever!  I say indescribable because there are no words that can accurately describe the joy my heart felt that day and continues to feel because of that day.  I found this description on a blog by John which is the closest I'll come to describing it:

"During a baptism something happens that is very difficult to explain. In a single moment - everything changes.  One enters the water purposeful, ready and willing to surrender everything to God.  And in a single moment, they rise with a radiance that rivals the brightest sunrise."

I was SO excited and smiling so big before my Baptism that Dr. (Pastor) Bob (the guy on the right who baptized me) said "I'm not worried about this one!" I'll let the pictures and video speak for themselves, but I do know that God used my Baptism to open my heart to love more deeply and to feel His Joy more completely! :)

My friend and co-worker Brandon caught my Baptism on video! :) It's only 53 seconds long, and my baptism starts at 38 seconds.

I thought the 2nd to the last picture was so awesome!  It's like I'm holding up the words.  My desire is "forever to bring Him praise, forever to lift up His name"!

I Want To Live Like That!

"I Want To Live Like That!"
by Sidewalk Prophets

This song has really touched my heart ever since the first time I heard it! The lyrics are incredibly powerful and thought provoking! I've been meaning to blog about it for months, and decided to finally do just that this evening! This song really makes me think about how my words and actions can either show others the love of Jesus or possibly turn those who are searching for truth, away from Jesus.  If you have a few minutes, I encourage you to watch the video/listen to this amazing song!

Here are the lyrics:
The lyrics are bolded and my comments are in Italics.

Sometimes I think
 What will people say of me
 When I'm only just a memory
 When I'm home where my soul belongs

What do I want to be known for when God calls me home?  What Legacy do I want to leave here on earth? 
Was I love
 When no one else would show up
 Was I Jesus to the least of those
 Was my worship more than just a song

I want to be known as someone who loved others well, even "the least of these", like Jesus did!  I want my worship to be a way of life, and not just an hour on the weekend!


I want to live like that
 And give it all I have
 So that everything I say and do
 Points to You

Yes, I really do want to live like that!  I want to be intentional about loving others and pointing others to Him!

If love is who I am
 Then this is where I'll stand
 Recklessly abandoned
 Never holding back

GOD is Love!  I am human and therefore imperfect, and cannot give pure unconditional love, but I plan on giving it all I've got, with the help of my Savior!


I want to live like that
 I want to live like that

Am I proof
 That You are who you say You are
 That grace can really change a heart
 Do I live like Your love is true

I want to live like His love is true, trusting boldly in his promises!  Grace can and does change hearts everyday!

People pass
 And even if they don't know my name
 Is there evidence that I've been changed
 When they see me, do they see You

I can and want to tell others about Jesus, but I don't have to use words.  People notice those who are "different from others in the way they live their lives".  I honestly do believe that actions speak louder than words.  I want people to see Jesus in me without me having to say a word!
 
I want to live like that
 And give it all I have
 So that everything I say and do
 Points to You

I want my life to point to Him!
If love is who I am
 Then this is where I'll stand
 Recklessly abandoned
 Never holding back

"Never holding back".  Never is a tough act to follow, but all I can do is pray for strength to love others well and be a witness to others simply by the way I live my life.

I want to live like that
 I want to live like that

I'm going to need lots of help!  I do know that His strength is made perfect in weakness.
I want to show the world the love You gave for me
 I'm longing for the world to know the glory of the King

Life is short!  I want everyone to know the love my King gave for them!

I want to live like that
 And give it all I have
 So that everything I say and do
 Points to You

It's easy to judge and find fault with others, but it takes a lot more effort to just love them where they are at!
If love is who I am
 Then this is where I'll stand
 Recklessly abandoned
 Never holding back

I want to live like that
 I want to live like that

I want my life to be a testimony of His AMAZING Grace!

I Am SO Excited For My 2nd Baptism on Easter, April 8th, 2012!!!

Ever since my Dad passed away on December 8th, 1999, Easter has been my favorite Holiday!  Why?  Because of the comfort the Resurrection brings, and what it means in the life and death of Christians. My Dad loved the Lord and trusted in Jesus as his Savior.  I know I will see my Dad again in heaven.  On December 11th, 1999, we said "good-bye" to my Dad, but it really wasn't good-bye.  It was more like "see you later!".  I know I will see him again when I get to heaven! :) 

A few weeks ago at Church, they mentioned they were going to have Baptism on Easter weekend this year.  I had been considering getting baptized again for a few years, but when I heard it was going to be done on Easter Sunday, I knew this was my time!  What better way to spend my favorite Holiday, then by getting Baptized?! :)

I am SO thankful that my parents raised me in the Christian faith!  I was baptized the 1st time at only a few weeks old.  My 2nd Baptism will in no way diminish my 1st Baptism.  If anything, it shows that my parents raised me to love Jesus and to follow him.  I am very thankful for that!

So what does my 2nd Baptism mean to me?  It does not mean salvation. I know I am going to heaven because I believe in Jesus as my Savior.  I believe Jesus saves, not that baptism saves.  I like the way my Pastor says that we cannot choose Baptism without Christ already having worked in our hearts.  I cannot on my own choose to follow Him.  No one can come to faith in Christ on his/her own!  I'm thankful my Pastor and my Church believe that.  My Pastor suggested we read and study the Apostles Creed prior to getting baptized.  That is what my Church believes. That is what I believe.  To me, my 2nd Baptism is an outward symbol of my inward commitment to Christ. It is my way of saying "Here is what God has already done for me! I am committed to following Him!" Just like my Marriage to Jonathan was my public display of my commitment to love, honor, and cherish him for the rest of my life, so my Baptism is my public display of my commitment to follow Christ for the rest of my life.  By the way, I am getting baptized on the 9 month anniversary of our marriage.  The 8th was the day dad died, but now the 8th will hold happier memories!  I married the love of my life on the 8th, and I will be Baptized again on Easter Sunday, which is also the 8th! :)

On April 8th, 2012, I will be picturing the Lord saying to me "This is my daughter, whom I love, with her I am well pleased!",  just as He said to Jesus when He was Baptized at the start of his public ministry.  I am so thankful that my Husband, my friends Sarah & Mike, and my Church family will be there to support me!

I wish you all a Blessed Easter filled with His love! :)

Home For Christmas

December 8th, 1999 was a life changing day for me and my family.  That is the day the Lord called my 59 year old Dad (Herbert William Latzke) home to heaven, leaving my Mom a 47 year old widow and my 2 sisters and I ages 25, 24, and 21 without an earthly Father.  Our world hasn't been the same since then.  Yes, life went on, but it has never been the same. Two months after Dad died, Mom was diagnosed with cancer.  Twelve years later, my Mom has been married to Don for 10 years, my Sister Pam has been married to Eddie for 16 & a half years, my Sister Debbie has been married to Scott for 10 & a half years, and I have been married to Jonathan for 5 months! :) Now we have our new normal.  December 8th is never an easy day for me.  I think Dad dying so close to Christmas has made Christmas a not so fun time for me.  However, this year I get to spend Christmas with my husband. My family is strong and I believe God has used our experiences to mold us into stronger people who can be there to comfort others as they grieve losses in their own lives. Everything happens for a reason.  I found this description about grieving the loss of a parent and I see it as being very accurate to the feelings I have experienced, so I wanted to share it with you.

"Remember, you have every reason to grieve. A parent’s death often leaves adult children with a sense of abandonment and even panic that catches us by surprise. But why are we caught off guard when the death of the "ma-ma" or "da-da" whose name we struggled to utter as tiny tots leaves us reeling or depressed or sleepless? We may have lived enough years to be an adult but we will always be a child in relation to our parents. Even if we find ourselves "parenting our parents" before their deaths, it is the parent of our youth and childhood that we bury. And, as author R. Scott Sullender says in Losses in Later Life, "The world is a different place after our parents die." Seldom are we, as adults, ready for a parent’s death. We may be busy building our careers or raising our families; we may be spending our free time traveling or seeking to settle down; we may be living close by or a continent away from our parents. Whatever the circumstances, it is virtually impossible to prepare ourselves emotionally for the loss.Well-meaning friends and others may seek to console us by saying, "Your mother lived a long, full life" or "Your dad was suffering so much- surely it’s a blessing." But those phrases ring hollow when it is our beloved mother or our dear dad who lies in the casket. Even if we experience a strong sense of relief mixed with our grief, the sorrow is very deep and very real."  Judy Ball

Here is a picture of my Dad's grave which was taken sometime after his funeral on December 11th, 1999.  He truly was "Home For Christmas". This will be his 13th Christmas in heaven.  I have also included the poem the Pastor read to the family in the basement of the Church before my Dad's funeral began. 

My First Christmas in Heaven
by Unknown

I've had my first Christmas in Heaven,
A glorious, wonderful day!
I stood with the saints of the ages,
Who found Christ, the truth and the Way.
I sang with the Heavenly choir:
Just think! I who loved to sing!
And, Oh! What celestial music
We brought to our Savior and King!
We sang the glad songs of redemption,
How Jesus to Bethlehem came,
And how they had called His name Jesus,
That all might be saved through His name.
We sang once with the angels,
The song that they spoke that blest morn
When shepherds first heard the glad story
That Jesus, the Savior, was born
O dear ones, I wish you had been here.
No Christmas on earth could compare
With all the rapture and glory
We witnessed in Heaven so fair.
You know how I always loved Christmas;
It seemed such a wonderful day,
With all of my loved ones around me,
The children so happy and gay.
Yes, now I can see why I loved it.
And Oh, what a joy it will be
When you and my loved ones are with me,
To share in the glories I see.
So, dear ones on earth, here’s my greeting,
Look up till the day dawn appears,
And Oh, what a Christmas awaits us
Beyond our parting tears.

I love you and miss you Dad! You are never forgotten and always loved!  Looking forward to seeing you again someday!  In fact, I'm really kind of envious of how you get to spend your Christmases! :)