2017 - A Year of Great Change and Personal Growth

One would think that 2016 would have been our year with the most change.  I mean, we bought a house and adopted a "special needs" rescue dog!  Well, 2017 was equally a huge year of change for us, but it had a much more profound affect on my view of life.  Financial Security is something I didn't have until after I got Married and we got debt free a year later.  Then we saved and traveled, and finally bought our 1st home on April 8th of 2016.  The Blessing is that since I didn't have credit cards, my Name is on the Title, but it is not on the loan.  My Income didn't count when it came to purchasing our home.  We lived below our means, including the size/price of house we chose to buy.  Jonathan could have been approved for a more expensive house, but we didn't want to be "house poor".  

I started babysitting at the age of 12 and started buying my own clothes then.  I started working at at 16.  I worked in college, over breaks, and during the summers as well.  I started working Full Time as soon as I graduated college.  Besides for a total of 9 months throughout the years, I have always been employed Full Time.  I waitressed for 6 Months before I was finally given a job offer at LM. My job at LM was there when I needed it.  They have amazing benefits, etc.  I met my Husband there.  I will be eternally grateful that I was hired there and found Love (and Friendship) at LM!    This job was there for me when I needed it and I was employed for 9.5 years.  That's a long time for me.  The detailed work was so me, but the putting in headphones and focusing and sitting at a desk 37.5 hours a week was not a good fit for this Extrovert.  But I stayed where life was "safe and comfortable and secure".  I mean after all, I was making GOOD Money.  

Something wasn't right though.  I constantly sat there obsessing about my Mom's cancer, my BIL's Cancer, my Step Dad's Grand Mal Seizure.  All heavy stuff, right?  Well my mind literally could not stop obsessing.  Part of the reason being, was if my Family needed me and I left work 3 hours early, I would get a full incident against me.  It would be as if I hadn't shown up for work at all that day.  After like 5.75 incidents you get a verbal warning, and the consequences got stiffer the more incidents you got.  FMLA is only used for your own medical condition, or if you are the primary caregiver for a relative.  I couldn't get FMLA when Jonathan's Dad was sick and dying.  There were other Family issues that were going on at the same time too.

It all caught up to me, and I just couldn't do it anymore.  I saw my Counselor.  I saw my Dr, who I ended up firing, and I fought for my mental health.  I was on Short Term Disability, but after a short while, my Husband and I came to the conclusion, that what was best for me, was for me to resign from my job at LM.  It took 3 months to get in to see a Psych NP.  My new MD made some med changes, but my Psych NP actually put me on Aderall.   Yes, at the age of 43 I was diagnosed with ADD.  My Husband was very surprised how productive I was at home during the day.  You know why?  Because I'm a hard worker, but my ADD made it nearly impossible to focus at a desk job, not talking to people.  When it came to running errands, making appointments, etc, I was uber productive.  And you know what?  I didn't obsess about all of the cancer and illness in my Family.  I was too busy to obsess.  

It was a very long Summer waiting for approval for my STD after every Dr Appt.  Always being afraid it would be denied.  Psych issues are treated so much differently than physical issues.  I know this is 2017.....2018 in a few hours, but it's true.  I was only on STD for less than 3 months when my Husband and I reached the decision, that I needed to quit my job.  It wasn't for me.  It didn't fit my personality.  It didn't allow for me to leave and be there for my Family if they needed me.  It didn't allow for me to call in sick when I could hardly function, not if I wanted to keep the job.  I resigned as soon as we made the decision.  I resigned on August 21st and I haven't once regretted my decision.  Even my Husband says we don't really miss my income.  Why?  Because we live below our means.  My Husband is Happier.  I am Happier.  If my Sister in WI needs me, I can drive to WI.  If my Mom or Grandma need me, I can be there for them, without receiving an incident.

Lessons Learned in 2017...I mean REALLY Learned:

1.  Peace is more important than Money.

2.  Family comes first...before Money..before a Job.

3.  It takes a leap of Faith and Trust in God, but He will provide.  No...please don't quit your job if you live alone and say....well Jen said......!  I supported myself for years.  I am the saver in our relationship.

I am Happy..  I am at Peace.  I was Diagnosed with ADD.  I am a hard worker.

I started my small business called J-La-Sta's Thrifty Threads on September 26th of 2017.  I love bargain hunting!  I love meeting new people.  I love serving others.  I love having a more flexible schedule where Family comes first.  I am not making anywhere near the amount of money I made working Full Time at Liberty, but you know what?  2017 taught me that Peace is FAR more important than money!  My security rests in my Savior, not in LM, and not in the Money I received from LM.  I work my butt off now.  I may not get the same amount of money, but this job fits the flexible lifestyle I need and want now.  Thank you Jonathan, for letting me quit LM and for realizing it was the best move for us!  I Love You! :-)

I also learned that I'm stronger than I think I am.  Being mentally ill, and having sick Family Members, one learns who their true Friends are.  Thank you to those who were there for me during one of the darkest and most challenging times in my life.  Please fight for yourself and your health, because no one else will.  I had to fight hard for months to get the care I need, when I barely had the energy to get out of bed.  I had a MD (after I told her I couldn't function and I was crying in front of her nonstop) say to me "So you are going back to work tomorrow right?"  Even if your Dr doesn't get it, keep fighting to get the help you need.

Peace and Happiness are Far More Important than Money.  I am Blessed.  We are Blessed.  I've only been running my small business for 3 months, but I hope to continue to grow it in the future.  I'm a hard worker, just a hard worker with ADD and an Extroverted Personality.  I did what I had to do when I had to do it, for 9.5 years, and now......I'm doing what I GET to do.

My Goals for 2018 are to grow my Business and to lose weight I gained as a result of giving into cravings caused by new meds.  I want to be healthier again.  However, I have also learned that my weight doesn't define me.

Happy New Year Everyone!  I Hope that 2018 is a Year Full of Happiness and Blessings Beyond Measure for you!

~ J-LaSta

I Will Not Be Shaken!

Psalm 16:8New Living Translation (NLT)

 I know the Lord is always with me.
    I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me.

     The Weekend of December 3rd my Husband and I went to Nashville, IN and Brown County State Park.  We had never been there before.  Nashville, IN was truly a Lovely Little Town, with lots of unique shops!  We shopped for most of the day on Saturday.  We bought some Christmas/Birthday presents for Friends and Family, and a few things for ourselves.  After Breakfast on Sunday, I wanted to go back to my two favorite stores before we went hiking at Brown County State Park (the Largest State Park in the State of Indiana).  

     Saturday I bought 2 Pendants for Friends of mine.  Both were clearly meant for them, and one God especially tugged on my heart to buy for my Friend.  On Sunday, after I entered the store and looked around a bit, I thought I might look to get one for myself.  Jonathan and I sometimes pick out some of our own Christmas presents together.  It took me forever to decide!  I must have had 20 pendants on a tray to choose from! I would put each one back until I narrowed it down to this one. Then I chose a chain, and it was then they told me I could choose charms to add to my necklace, but that they would need to assemble it.

  

     I chose the main Pendant because God spoke to me thru this verse.  No matter what happens to me or to my Family or my extended Family, because the Lord is with me "I will not be shaken".  There are lots of life experiences that can and have shaken me to the core;  Death of loved ones, cancer diagnoses of loved ones, horrible accidents that affect those I love deeply.  My Depression, Anxiety, and ADD can also shake me, so this verse just brought comfort to my heart.  With God beside me, I will not be shaken!  Does this mean these things won't affect me?  Absolutely Not!  If these things didn't affect me in some way, I wouldn't be human.  Life is tough, but God is Faithful.

     I'm a numbers nerd, so I started wearing this on December 8th.  The Bible Verse on the Pendant is from Psalm 16:8.  My Dad died on December 8th and 1 plus 6 = 7.  Jonathan and I got engaged 7 years ago this Month.  This pendant and what it stands for, comforts me.  I chose the other charms based on the following...the cross represents my Faith.  The "J" is for Jennifer.  The green pearl matches a color in the pendant and I love my dog!  I've been wearing this necklace, pendant, and charms almost everyday, and it brings me such Joy and comfort!

I hope this verse comforts you as well, no matter what you might be going thru.

Psalm 16:8New Living Translation (NLT)

 I know the Lord is always with me.
    I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me.

The Fight For My Mental Health

It's been a long 3 months!!  Very long!!   Some of you may be thinking, The Fight for your mental health?  It's not like you are fighting cancer, or diabetes, or heart disease!  What do you mean by "The Fight for My Mental Health"?    If you have ever dealt with a mental illness, you know exactly what I'm referring to!  It is a Fight!  It's a huge fight and it's not a fight for one who backs down easily.  It takes persistence and consistency and never giving up!  I'll give you a run down of the timeline (thus far) of my fight to get better.

March 17th  -  I cried at work.

March 20th - I went to the Dr b/c of my Depression getting worse.  She told me I needed better coping skills and upped my Prozac from 10 mg to 20 mg.

March 25th -  I had a 7 am counseling appointment with my Counselor who taught me Mindfulness.

April 21st - I had an awful crying day at work on the 20th.  i was able to take the 21st off and called my Dr. at 8:15 am on the 21st, to try and get in to be seen.  My Depression was getting much worse, and not better.  My Dr said she could not see me and told me to go to Epworth.  I later found out that Epworth is an inpatient facility only.  Since I was not a harm to myself or to others and was not suicidal, I had to wait till Monday, April 24th, to be seen.  My Dr.. did not offer me any other appointments with other Dr.'s at her practice that Friday.  When i saw my Dr. on Monday the 24th of April, she upped my Prozac from 20 mg to 40 mg.  I was crying uncontrollably and told her I  could not function.   She looked at me with a straight face and said "So you are going back to work tomorrow, right?".  I said "I just told you I cannot function!  No, I cannot go back to work tomorrow.  She offered to write a note.  I told her notes don't work at my place of employment and that I needed FMLA to secure my job.  I was in disbelief, I had always gotten along with her before and had no problems with her, until my depression started acting up.  She had been prescribing my meds for 6 years and not once had I ever had issues severe enough that I went to see her in regards to my depression.  I was not a "cry wolf" type of patient.  She finally agreed to give me 2 weeks of FMLA.  I filed for FMLA, but not for short term disability because I needed to use my vacation time for our mission trip to Ecuador in July.

After, being shocked and very unhappy with how the appointment went with my Dr on the 24th, I made an appointment to see a new Dr. on April 26th.  He was awesome, but most of all because he possessed empathy and understanding in regards to depression.  We set up another appointment for me to see him for a follow-up on Friday, May 5th, before I returned to work on May 8th.  He wanted me to have another week off to see my Counselor and work on getting better, so he gave me another week of FMLA.  I took that unpaid as well.

I went back to work on Monday, May 15th.  I worked the 15th-18th (Mon-Thurs) and by the end of the day on Thursday I was behind on my work and crying.  I was able to take the 19th off of work.  I got in to see my new Dr. on the 20th.  I told him that every time the old Dr upped my Prozac, 3 weeks later, I would be crying uncontrollably.  He believed me and set up a plan for me to be weaned off of the med.  He agreed to up my Seroquel from 200-300 mg.  We also both agreed that it was time for me to apply for short term disability while getting used to new meds and waiting to see a Psych Specialist. My Husband and I decided it was not in my best interest to go out of the country on the mission trip at this time.   When I first saw this Dr. on April 26th, he got me on a referral list for a Psychiatrist.  I called that place on May 18th and found out I was on a waiting list for a Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner because that Psychiatrist only saw adolescents and children.  The last time I checked (a few days ago), they will be calling to schedule an appointment with me in the next week or 2, but I probably won't be seen until the end of July/beginning of August.

I had a follow-up appointment with my new Dr on Friday, June 2nd.  I had gained 10 lbs in 2 weeks due to my meds making me crave bad stuff, and me giving in to those cravings.  He advised me to push thru the extreme tiredness and avoid sleeping whenever I was tired.  It's been hard, but I was successful yesterday, and I have been successful today..  I have an appointment on June 27th for blood work to be drawn and then my next follow-up appointment with my Dr is July 6th.  

I  applied for Short Term Disability thru my Employer on May 19th.  Due to a Holiday and some miscommunication between my Dr.s Office and my Employer, my employer just received the needed paperwork from my Dr late on Friday June 2nd.  Today is June 6th and I am still waiting for an answer as ti whether my short term disability will be approved or denied.

During all of this my Husband got a promotion at work.  God is good and is watching out for us.  I am very much at peace right now in regards to my short term disability getting approved or denied.  I don't know what will happen.  Since I was feeling so much peace, I used the concordance in my NLT Bible and I found the following verse: " Submit to God, and you will have peace; then things will go well for you."  Job 22:21.  I can honestly say that I feel that's what I'm doing now, submitting to God.  My health has to come first.  I'm glad my Husband realizes that, and I'm glad we live modestly and live below our means.  I am not worried.

So, there you have it.  This is my saga thus far.  I think the uppage of seroquel and the weaning off of prozac has helped, but I'm still dealing with the side effects of the seroquel, which aren't fun.  



Thank you to the Friends who have stopped by, called and/or texted, or have sent me well wishes thru my Husband at work, or to me thru FB.  I really appreciate it.  It is nice to be thought of and know that I'm cared for.  God's got this.  I'm not worried.  I just want to get better.  

So there you have it.  That's what I mean by "The Fight For My Mental Health", and it's not over yet.

As a bracelet given to me by a friend says "You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it".  With God and Jonathan on my side, I can and will come out of this stronger!

Peace, Love, and Joy to you All!

Love,

J-La-Sta

I Just Want to Feel Like Myself Again

Yes, parts of J-La-Sta come out every now and then.  Just bits and pieces of my goofiness, usually around Jonathan, who is one of the only people I see these days, since i am off of work.  I used to think it would be cool to be off of work for a while. But this is not how I imagined it.  Dr. Appointments, Counseling Appointments,  getting used to strong meds that make me so so tired, but not knowing if I'm even on the right ones yet.   Waiting and waiting and waiting some more to get in to see a Nurse Practitioner (Psychiatrist).  Not feeling like doing much of anything. Having a horrible memory, and not being able to talk right, ie say what I want to say.  I can't safely drive myself long distances due to the effects the meds are having on me. Jonathan says I sleep a lot, although I do make myself get up and go to bed at basically the same times every day.   I have little to no energy.  Plus, I'm still waiting to see if my short term disability from work has been approved, which adds more stress to my life.   Then the bills that are piling up from said appointments..  Yes, I'm blessed to have great insurance and I'm thankful I chose the PPO plan for the last year it's being offered.  I've already met my deductible, and it's a very low deductible comparatively.  I'm bummed that we are not going on the Mission Trip to Ecuador because we felt the Lord prodding us not to go due the current state of my mental health.  Then on top of this I worry about the serious health conditions of close loved ones.  Yes, I know God is in control, but you would worry too, trust me!  If you were in my shoes and didn't worry at all, you wouldn't be human.  Just sayin!

We all have our crosses in life to bear.  Mine just happens to be depression.  Yes I've tried it all and no, essential oils won't take it all magically away and removing sugar from my diet won't magically take it away, etc etc etc.  There is no easy fix.  I have dealt with depression since I was 16 years old.  Actually, I can even remember having it as a small child.

I was off of work for 3 weeks and went back for 4 days and couldn't handle it.  I need to be able to function at 100 percent and I wasn't there yet.  These meds are kicking my butt and I only had 1 med change at the time.  This is my 5th full week off of work.  I have worked there for 9 years.  I have worried about losing my job, but you know what?  I work to live.  I don't live to work.  If there is anything this most recent bout of depression has taught me, is that I put my job way ahead of where it should have been in the list of my priorities.  I put it above my health, above my trust in God, etc.  It has caused me to re-evaluate my priorities and I want my life to show what my priorities are.  If my Family needs me I will be there.  Work is not, nor should it be my first priority.  I want my life to show that my priorities are 1.  God.  2.  Jonathan  2.5 (half joking) Mookie  3. Family  4.  Work.  God will provide for my needs.  Jonathan and I live below our means.  Jonathan was recently blessed with a promotion at work.  We can live on his income and survive just fine.  We just wouldn't be able to bless others and travel like we love to do.

I am Jennifer Stanley, a Loved Daughter of the King.  I am not Jennifer Stanley, Technical Assistant.  My worth does not come from my job.  But you know what, I was letting my worth come from my job before this bout of depression.  I based my worth on my performance.  So maybe, just maybe, God is using this to teach me to not hold on so tightly to my job, to make me Trust that God will provide for me and that I have Jonathan now.  I'm no longer all alone in this world.  I don't know what the future holds, but God promises to take care of me.

When I first pulled up FB this Afternoon, I saw this right away:

Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

"I want you to face adversity with confidence and firm determination. Because I am with you and the Holy Spirit lives in you, you have everything you need to be bold. Cowardliness is not of My kingdom. When you are feeling overwhelmed by your circumstances, remember who you are—a child of the eternal King! Invite Me into the very circumstances that are intimidating you, and let the Light of My powerful Presence strengthen you. When you choose to live courageously, I am pleased. And I respond by strengthening your heart, thus increasing your valor." —Jesus Today by Sarah Young, p. 338

"Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart, all you who hope in the Lord." —Psalm 31:24 NKJV

God knew I needed to read this.  I am going to live courageously, no matter what my depressed feelings tell me, and no matter what happens with my job.  God will strengthen me and He will provide for me as he always has.

So Friends, I pray that this has given you some encouragement as well.  Life isn't easy..  We all have our crosses in life to bear.  If the grass looks greener on the other side, chances are it's not.....it only looks that way.  Not everyone opens their heart and soul like I do, but I pride myself in being real.

So, like Jonathan keeps telling me, my job right now is to get myself better.   That's it.  That's my job.  Whether I get paid for it or not.  

Thank you to my Friends who have been there to support me!  It is much appreciated!  Thank you for being His hands and feet to me.  Thank you to Jonathan for dealing with me the past few months.  I know it hasn't been easy and that this is the worse my depression has been since we've been married (almost 6 years).

To my co-workers, I hope to be back sooner, rather than later.  If you would, say a prayer that a Psychiatrist appointment would magically open up, that would help! :-)

I'm thankful for an Awesome MD who has empathy and wants to help me and knows I am trying to get better.

Most of all, Thank you to God for providing for my every need and for placing people into my life at just the right time, especially my sweet 4 legged baby, Mookie, who loves me unconditionally and follows me everywhere. 

Thanks for listening everyone!  I'll continue to keep you updated on my progress.

~J-La-Sta

Our Non-Traditional Family

Our Wedding Verse was "God sets the lonely in Families"."  ~Psalm 68:6A NIV

Jonathan, Jennifer, Mookie, Eliana & Caro

I've learned that "Family" comes in many different forms.  Jonathan and I have a non-traditional family.  We Married later in life.  We were content being a Family of 2 for 5 years, until God put it on our hearts to adopt Mookie.  Then we decided we are going on a Mission Trip to Ecuador next Summer.  We will be visiting a Compassion International Center.  This is how God put it on my heart to Sponsor a Compassion International little girl from Ecuador.

I went on the site to see the children available for sponsorship between the ages of 1 and 8.  I acted like I was picking one.  Then it asked me to consider sponsoring another little girl from the same Church.  How could I resist??  Both of these girls waited for 248 days to be Sponsored!  I felt God pulling me to Sponsor both of them.  However, it's not just me that makes the money decisions.  It's Us.  Jonathan prayed and thought about it for a day or so.  Then he also wanted to Sponsor both girls.

Eliana is in the Middle pic.  She is 6 years old.  Caro is in the bottom pic.  She just turned 5 years old.  I've already written them and sent them our picture online.  The letter/picture will be printed and sent to them. The money spent sponsoring them goes to help educate them, feed them, teach them about nutrition, etc and most importantly it goes to teach them about Jesus.  My heart is full.  The girls live in a different part of Ecuador from where we are going for the Mission Trip, but I hope to someday meet these precious Children of God. Until then, I will pray for them, write to them, and love on them from a distance, and love on Jonathan and Mookie right here in South Bend, IN.  God is Good!  We are Blessed.

Learning to Go With the Flow!

We can make our plans,  but the Lord determines our steps.  Proverbs 16:9 NLT

Good Morning Friends & Family! :-)  

It is now 6:36 AM and I am currently on a flight to Newark, NJ.  I booked this Flight just over a month ago, when we found out Scott’s Surgery was scheduled for 5/23 in NYC.  Scott and Debbie arrived in NYC on Thursday Evening.  On Friday, at his Dr. Appt, they found out that Scott’s platelets were too low and that surgery was now cancelled for the 23rd.  They said they would check his platelets again on Monday, and that Thursday, May 26th would be the soonest that he would be able to have the surgery.  My Mom and I had already booked our flights, and I had already booked my non-refundable hotel room thru Priceline.  I wanted to stay for a week after the surgery to help my Sister while Scott begins his recovery, and I would have if Surgery would have been happening on Monday.  However, I have to be at work on Monday, May 31st, as I’m using the rest of my available vacation days for this trip.  So, Mom and I decided to still go to NYC.  Scott and Debbie can use our support and encouragement.  We decided that there must be a reason the Surgery is not happening on Monday.  On the bright side, this gives the 4 of us (Me, Mom, Debbie, & Scott) the opportunity to sightsee and not hang out at the hospital all week.  We are going to make the most of this opportunity and make Memories with each other to last a Lifetime! :-)  I’ll be sure to take and post pics!

I’m a planner.  I hate it when things don’t go as planned.  When plans change, I have a hard time switching gears, and dealing with the change in plans.  However, I’m slowly learning to go with the flow (after a day of freaking out)! :-)  God is giving us this Family time together, free of Hospitals until Thursday.  I’m choosing to see this change of plans as a gift from God.  I can’t control the fact that surgery will happen later then originally expected.  But, I can control how I choose to handle this situation.  I will be in NYC with my Mom, Sis and BIL.  Something that surely would have never happened otherwise!

I’m looking forward to seeing how God will continue to show Himself to us in this situation.  He promises to work all things out for our good.  Yes, even the bad things, like cancer, and major surgeries!  God is always there!  He promises to never leave us or forsake us.  He’s right by our side, and He will carry us thru.  I’m choosing Joy.  I’m choosing to rest in Him!  

We are beginning our descent into Newark, NJ.  I will keep you posted as I know more regarding the surgery.  Thanks for your continued prayers for Scott and our entire Family.   Thanks also for the love, encouragement and support you have given to us.  My Family and I really appreciate it! :-)

Life is tough, but God is Faithful! :-)

Love,

J-La-Sta

Love is.........

 

     As Valentine's Day approaches, naturally, I got to thinking about Love and what it really means.  Real Love goes far deeper than a dozen roses and a mushy card on a Hallmark Holiday. In our 4 years and 7 months of Marriage, I've learned a lot about Love and Marital Love.  It's a daily choice.  It's not something we feel like doing all of the time, but it is for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part, just as we promised each other on July 8th, 2011. 

1.  Real Love sees his wife thru 4 bouts of cellulitis. 
2.  Real Love makes Lifetime health and dietary changes (resulting in substantial weight loss) with his wife, after she is diagnosed with prediabetes. 
3.  Real Love makes sacrifices to work hard to get out of debt just 1 year after we got Married.
4.  Real Love grows stronger, thru the caring of (in addition to becoming his power of attorney) a parent with cancer, in the hospital and nursing home, after only just over a year of  marriage.  Real Love is being there together when that parent breathes his last breath and enters into the arms of Jesus.
5.  Real Love is holding each other up when we felt totally out of control after I was admitted to the hospital the day after we planned his Dad's funeral.  I was hospitalized for 3 nights, and had my dead and gangrenous gallbladder removed.  Jonathan was there for me, even thru his own grief of losing his Dad.  I got released from the hospital, and we went straight to his Dad's memorial service.  That was a very difficult time for us, but God was Faithful and we are stronger together because of it.
6.  Real Love is there for you when you find out your Mom's cancer spread to her brain, and later her lung.
7.  Real Love holds you up when you find out your "little" Sister's 37 year old Husband and Father of 4 of your precious Nieces and Nephews has a rare and aggressive cancer, of which there is no cure.

We've celebrated our 40th Birthdays together, and have seen some amazing places together in our travels, Upper Michigan, Aruba, NYC, Boston, Florida, etc.  We try to live life to the fullest everyday, knowing that we aren't guaranteed tomorrow.  We love to bless others together, which is something else we wouldn't be in a financial position to do if we weren't together.

We have been married just over 4.5 years, but I feel like we've experienced a lifetime of ups and downs in our relatively short time of being married.  We are stronger together.  Our Wedding verse was "God sets the Lonely in Families." ~Psalm 68:6.  God knew what we would have to face in the future, and I'm so thankful he brought us together to support and love each other in the best and worst of times.  Life is tough, but God is Faithful! :-)

Yes.  He did get me a dozen roses and a super sweet card, for which I'm very grateful! :-)  But this pales in comparison to the unconditional love he has shown me in the past 4.5 years. 

Jonathan, I love you so very much, and there is no one else I'd rather experience the highest highs and lowest lows of life with.

Happy Valentine's Day Baby!

Always and Forever Yours,


Your Irish Hills Hottie!  ;-)

Don't Blindly Believe Everything You Hear....Even From Your Own Pastor!

Growing up, I believed everything I heard in Church.  If the Pastor said it, it had to be true, because the Pastor was like, you know, God!  I was taught to believe and obey those in Authority over me. I figured that the Pastor is a person of Authority and we should believe him!  I am a very sensitive soul, also known as a "highly sensitive person".  I took everything to heart.  For over half of my life I was afraid of hell.  I was sure that was where I was going.  That is a horrible way to live!  Today I am 1 week from turning 42 years old and I'm older and wiser.  I can think for myself.

Our current Pastor encourages us to bring our Bibles to Church and to examine the Scriptures to make sure what He is teaching is the Truth. He backs everything he says with Scriptures References. He wants us to look to God for the Truth, not to just blindly take him at his word, simply because he is "The Pastor".  He realizes he is human.  He encourages us to think for ourselves and not just believe everything we hear, just because we are in Church.

Jonathan and I were attending another Church on Christmas Eve.  During the Sermon we heard these words:  "God Loves you and hates you at the same time".  No one else around us flinched, but we both looked at each other and I whispered to him "Can you understand why I was afraid of going to hell my whole childhood"?  He nodded, yes.  Let me tell you folks, nothing says "Merry Christmas" like hearing "God Loves you and hates you at the same time!".  (Yes, I'm being sarcastic).  Before, I just blindly accepted words like this as the truth, because they came from the Pastor himself.  He didn't really explain himself and there were no Bible verses to back up this Statement.  I don't think he really meant it like he said it, but what if someone was attending Church for the very first time?  Let me tell you folks, that Statement did not point to a Loving God.  And if I weren't already a Christian, those words would have not made me want to become a Christian!

The God I've come to know the past 8.5 years, loves us all SO Very Much.  He Loves me because He Loves me because He Loves me, because He IS Love!  He died for me!  He most certainly does NOT hate me.  I am thankful that I no longer believe everything as Gospel Truth just because it comes from the pulpit.  I think for myself AND I examine the Scriptures.

This Morning I searched the Scriptures and did not find that God hates me.  I did find this: "But God showed His Great Love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners."  Romans 5:8

My encouragement to you all, no matter what Church you attend or visit is to always search the Scriptures to find out if what you are hearing is TRUTH.  Pastors are human and make mistakes just like we all do.  They are not God, and should not be put on a pedestal.

God is Good! Really?

     Can I just be honest for a few minutes?  When I hear the phrase "God is Good", it makes me mad, seriously mad!  Before you start judging me and preaching to me, let me explain please.  Whenever I hear "God is Good", or see it written on Facebook, it's usually in response to Good News, actually, it's always in response to good news!  Someone gets results that tumors have shrunk, or that the cancer is gone and there are a bazillion comments about how Good God is!   There are tons of "likes".  However, when someone posts about a cancer diagnosis or that the cancer has spread or that treatments aren't working, then people are quiet.  At least this is what I have observed over the years.  So, having the analytical mind that I do, I often thought, so God is only Good when people are cured or their prayers are answered in the way that THEY want them to be answered? 

   Well, what happens when the news is bad?  When prayers aren't answered in the way we WANT them to be answered?  Guess what Friends?  God is STILL GOOD in those times!  His Character doesn't change based on our circumstances.  However, I think people would be offended if they posted bad news and people commented "God is Good!"  But it's true my Friends!  He is ALWAYS ALWAYS Good!  But He isn't a puppet on a stick that we can control by praying!  He is All Knowing, All Loving, Always Present, and Always wants what is best for us.  It's taken me a very long time to realize that my Family and I are not the Victims.  Life is hard and we have had some hard things happen to our Family.  I'm glad I've learned the truth!  God is not out to get my Family.  God is using my Family for something far greater!  I'm praying he is using our Family to lead others to Christ, to help others, to serve others, with a Love that knows the pain of loss and cancer diagnoses and all of the ugliness that goes with these things.  Cancer isn't good, but God can use it for our Good and for His perfect plans.

    February of 2000 my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, just 2 months after my Dad (her Husband) passed away.  She was 47 years young at the time.  She has battled cancer more often than not over the past 16 years.  She has had more chemo and radiation over the past 16 years and worked full time up until a year ago, even though her cancer treatments are a full time job in themselves. She had 2 primary cancers. Breast cancer and bone cancer.  Last August her breast cancer from 15 years prior metastasized to her brain.  The cancer is no longer in her brain.  She is such a Fighter and seriously hands down the strongest woman I know.

     February of 2013 my FIL passed of lung cancer that metastasized to the brain. 

    April 15, 2015 my BIL Scott was diagnosed with a very rare form of Sarcoma called DSRCT, for which there is no cure.  He was 37 at the time.  He is Married to my Baby Sister and their kids are now 13, 11, 9, and 6.  When he has chemo, he has it for 40 hours a week.  It's a Full Time job!  Raising a Family with small children is challenging.  But, raising a family while dealing with cancer, I cannot even imagine.  God is Good!  Really?  Cuz the last time I checked, a cancer with no cure isn't good!!! 

     Last Evening I found out that Mom's breast cancer from 15 years ago has now metastasized to her lung.  If you heard this about your Mom, would your first instinct be to say God is Good?  No, it wouldn't be.  Cuz it wasn't for me.  But after having time to process, I can say that God is Good, even when the circumstances aren't. 

     I believe God will use all of the challenges my Family is currently facing, for our Good and for His Glory. 

     I can't say God is Good when someone is cured  Because it goes against my grain, knowing that the healing doesn't always come, and that God is still just as Good.  I will rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn.

     Would you please join me in praying for Scott, Debbie and the kids, and Mom and Don, along with all of us who love them?

God is the Reason for the Hope that I Have and I want everyone to know it! 

He is Good!  ALL the Time! :-)

Merry Christmas All! :-)

J-La-Sta

Caffeine Made Me CRAZY....Well, CRAZIER than my "Normal" CRAZY!!!! :-P

Yep!  You read that right!  I, J-La-Sta, haven't had coffee or caffeine (except for a tea I tried when there were no other caffeine free options) in 14 days!  I wish I had figured this out sooner, but by nixing caffeine, I am SO Much Calmer!  Life isn't an overwhelming thing for me like it was before.  Seriously, on a day off, I didn't want to go to the store, because that was "doing something".  It was hard enough just to muster up the energy to hold down a Full Time job (which I always have done).  I had little to no energy left for anything else.  Cooking Dinner was overwhelming.  Grocery shopping was overwhelming.  Laundry was overwhelming.  Even meeting up with a friend was often overwhelming.  On top of being overwhelmed with life, I was also incredibly anxious, and I of course felt guilty and bad for being overwhelmed and constantly anxious.  I told myself lies like "Christians aren't supposed to feel anxious", and that only made me feel more anxious.  I thought this anxiety was my cross to bear in life.  Little did I know that a HUGE cause of my extremely anxious and sleep-deprived self, was caffeine.

Previously I usually had about 16-18 ounces of coffee a day.  I would often sip on the same cup throughout the day and be finishing it as I left work at 6:00pm.   I know it's not good to drink coffee after Noon-2:00pm, but I've since found out that even drinking it in the morning can interfere with sleep.  I'm also on meds for anxiety and I read that caffeine can reduce the effectiveness of at least one of the meds by 50 percent.  I am also on another med that increases the length of time that my body takes to metabolize caffeine. Also, we Ladies can get by with not taking care of ourselves in our 20's and early 30's, but by late 30's - early 40's, we can't get by with that anymore.  At least I've found that I can't get by with that anymore, while at the same time living a healthy and happy life! :-)  I thought my extreme anxiety was caused by perimenopause.  Yes, I am in perimenopause and yes, anxiety is a major symptom of it, but caffeine affects women more as they age.  I guess sometimes I forget that I'm not 25 anymore! :-)

Since going off of caffeine, I have slept so much better!  The pics below show my sleep from the past 2 weeks.  It's been A-MAZ-ing!!!!!!  Losing weight has gotten easier since I'm sleeping instead of eating my points overnight! :-) 

I'm also much less overwhelmed and have much more energy, and that is greatly helping my Husband as well.  I've been cooking much more than I used to, and it doesn't overwhelm me or make me anxious, like it used to.  Take Today for example.  I went to Weight Watchers, did the grocery shopping, and had dinner in the crockpot before 2:00pm. 

You might be asking, REALLY, going off of caffeine has improved the quality of your life this much?  Yes, it surely has!  Do I miss drinking coffee?  Yes.  Did I have withdrawal symptoms?  No.  I was very blessed and never got headaches or anything, but I did sleep and have more energy since day 1 of no caffeine.

I know it's going off of caffeine that is making me feel much calmer.  Last Sunday at Church there was no decaf tea, so I tried regular tea.  Within a half hour, while sitting in church, I began to feel more anxious again.  I had my answer.  I MUST NOT HAVE CAFFEINE EVER AGAIN!  So, my new drink of choice has been peppermint herbal tea.  It's still hot and comforting! :-)

I wish I would have gone off of caffeine sooner, but I am very grateful that I now get GREAT Sleep and that I help my Husband so much more now.  I've learned that I'm actually NOT a bad wife, I was just so anxious and overwhelmed, that holding down a full time job took all the energy I had.

So, if I must veto caffeine for life to get sleep, and have the energy to live a productive life, than it's well worth the minor sacrifice! :-)

I Used Facebook to Feed My Approval Addiction - For 8 Years!

Those words were hard to type. 

I've thought long and hard about my motivation for writing this post.  I've come to realize that my motivation for writing this post is NOT for approval.  It's not for likes or comments that I may or may not get.  I'm writing this because I feel I owe an explanation to my FB Friends who have "followed me" loved me, supported me, and encouraged me over the past 8 years.  I want to explain why I am hardly on FB anymore and most importantly, why I rarely post anything anymore.  So here goes it.....

When I first joined FB in August of 2007, I was not in a good place in life.  I had recently lost my job in Milwaukee, I had moved back to South Bend, leaving 15 years of Friends behind in Wisconsin.  I was unemployed, I had no money.  I was 33 years old,  I was Single, and I was living with my Grandma.  I didn't have close friends in South Bend yet, and didn't know many people here either.  All of that would be stressful enough for anyone.  Yet, on top of this, My Mom's cancer (she had been battling cancer for 7.5 years since my Dad passed away) was in her bones, and my 12 year old Nephew and Godson was awaiting open heart surgery for a birth defect that was found a month or 2 before that.  I was lonely, anxious, worried, stressed, and I could go on and on, but I won't.  You get the idea!  Playing the victim (my default) didn't help matters any at all, as you can imagine!

Facebook was my way of being able to keep in touch with Friends and Family who lived far away.  It made me feel loved and connected.  It made me feel like I belonged, like I mattered.  Because back then, I didn't believe that I mattered.  Sad, huh?  More that that, it gave me an outlet to post my feelings.  So, did I overshare?  Yes.  Have I continued to overshare?  Yes.  I'm a people person.  Sharing who I am and what I'm feeling is part of who I am.  I'm so appreciative of all of the support and encouragement I've received during my single years, my engagement, my marriage to Jonathan, our getting debt free after 1 year of marriage, the loss of Jonathan's Dad, my surgery a few days later, my Mom's continued battle with cancer, our extreme weight loss, and most recently, my 37 year old Brother-in-Law's (Father of 4) very rare Sarcoma cancer diagnosis.

I knew I was addicted to Facebook.  What I didn't realize until recently, was that I used Facebook to feed my approval addiction.  I was actually more addicted to approval (likes, positive comments, etc), than I was to Facebook, I just didn't realize it until now.  My choice to overshare, let people know about what was going on in my life, without even having to make an effort.  That was my fault. 

Emotional intimacy is not something that has come easy for us (me and Jonathan), especially for me.  I can be the center of attention in a big crowd and it takes no effort, it just comes naturally for me.  However, one on one emotional connection has always been more challenging for me.  Jonathan, by nature, is not an initiator.  So when I would sit on FB, he would watch TV and/or play games on his phone.  July 8th will be our 4 year anniversary.  We have been thru so many difficult and life changing events since getting married.   We are strong, both as individuals and as a couple.  We love to travel together and bless others.  God has been So Good to us!  We are so Blessed!  Most recently we have decided to start saving for a house, which we plan to purchase in the Spring/Summer of 2017. 

I don't want to say I've wasted 8 years of my life on FB.  That is not true.  Have I wasted a lot of time on FB?  Yes.  I would post something and then check over and over and over again to see if anyone or anyone new had "liked" it.  Come on!  I KNOW I'm not the only person who did that! LOL

Over the past 3 weeks or so, Jonathan and I have spent lots of quality time together.  You know what?  We don't get nearly as irritated with each other for "interrupting our FB/TV Time"!  You know why?  Because we are making each other a priority.  Quite honestly, I think we needed some "adjustment time" between getting married (after having been single for so long!) and having so much quality time together.  I regret some (not all) of the time I've wasted on FB.....but I don't regret encouraging others and sharing my story and our story!  I regret looking to FB for approval, instead of my Savior.  I regret giving people the power to help or hurt me simply by liking or not liking my status update.

So, will I post here and there?  Yes.  I'm not deleting my FB account.  I just am not on FB as much.  I don't post as much b/c a little bit of posting.....feeds my addiction, just like a little bit of alcohol feeds the addiction of an alcoholic.

We are enjoying spending time with each other, our friends and our family.  I am equally enjoying not needing to inform FB about every detail of my life.  I also don't feel like I'm missing out.  I'm more relaxed, less anxious, more at peace, and living my life, instead of thinking about how I'm going to documenting it.  It's SO FREEING not worrying about why someone is "liking" the statuses of others, but not liking mine. 

I'm free, and I couldn't be happier!! Happy 4th Anniversary to the Love of my Life and Happy 40th Birthday Honey!  I'm Blessed to have you in my Life, for as long as the Lord allows before He chooses to take either one of us (or both of us) Home to Heaven.  You are my Greatest Earthly Blessing! :-)  Thank you for treating me like I belong and like I matter!

Thank You to all of my FB Friends, for EVERYTHING!! :-)  I would love to email/text/get together for coffee/talk on the phone, or whatever.  You are loved, by God and by Me! :-)

Gratitude For God's Gifts of Love to Me - Week 7

My Year of Thanks

May 1st - May 7th, 2015

 

May 1st

1. Mexican food and a nice walk with Carey.
2. I got to deliver clothes to Debbie for Tyler, from Carey's boys.
3. My Husband had beautiful, bright and cheery flowers waiting for me when I got home.

May 2nd

1. Seeing my Sister Pam graduate with her Masters Degree.
2. Warm weather.
3. Being "Heiman Strong" with Family and eating at Red Lobster.

May 3rd

1. Free Rise & Roll donuts at Church.
2. Technology - being able to make video messages for my Nieces/Nephews.
3. Blueberries (my favorite) were on sale at Meijer.

May 4th

1. A day off work and at home - all to myself.
2. Being the first person to let my friend April know she won Pulse FM's Makeover Monday.
3. Thankful my BIL lives close to a great hospital (Froedert) with Sarcoma Specialists. We don't have any here in South Bend.

May 5th

1. Wonderful, encouraging words from my Friend Carolyn, reaffirming how far I have come and that she is proud of me.
2. Scott & Debbie received lots of good news today! No more lovenox shots and soon no more PICC line!
3. I remembered to make my coffee this morning! :-)

May 6th

1. The weather was nice enough for me to walk outside today! :-)
2. I got a voicemail message from my sweet friend Mary, even though I missed her call.
3. The wonderful and inspiring blog post I read from Jason Tippetts about a 1st since his wife's passing.

May 7th

1. Electricity - I take it for granted often.
2. That we can afford to eat out when the electricity is out.
3. Living close to work - especially when I'm running late for work.



Gratitude For God's Gifts of Love to Me - Week 5

My Year of Thanks!

April 17th - April 23rd, 2015

 

April 17th

1. Thankful for the opportunity to serve Debbie & Scott by creating/running the CaringBridge Website for them.
2. Thankful for a nice walk with my Husband to enjoy the warm weather.
3. Thankful I made it thru the work week after a hard, emotional week in my personal life.

April 18th

1. Thankful for the beauty of nature which we enjoyed at Pokagon State Park Today.
2. Thankful for a delicious meal at Caruso's.
3. Thankful I was 2 lbs down after a rough week.  This was a huge scale and non-scale victory!

April 19th

1. Safe travels home from Angola.
2. Thankful for a bit of relaxation at a coffee shop in Angola.
3. Thankful for free Breakfast at our Hotel.

April 20th

1. I'm So, So Grateful that the Cardioversion worked to get my BIL's heart back into rhythm.
2. Thankful for the technology of texting.  It's a lot easier keeping updated when far away from loved ones.
3. The Blessing of Friends Praying on our behalf.

April 21st

1. I was able to focus better at work Today.
2. I head an Awesome song on the way home from work that excited and comforted me.
3. I'm thankful my Sister's Family has a huge support system both near and far.

April 22nd

1. I'm thankful that I have a Husband who cooks every night. What a Godsend!
2. I'm thankful said Husband set up an oil change appointment so the car is ready for my drive to WI on my days off next week.
3. I'm thankful the snow melted.

April 23rd

1. "The Hardest Peace", A book written by Kara Tippetts - I read half of it this Evening.
2. Meijer MPerks - Helps to save money.
3. Medicine which helps even out my chemical imbalances.





Gratitude For God's Gifts of Love to Me - Week 4

My Year of Thanks!

April 10th - April 16th, 2015

 

Not Gonna Lie!  This was an incredibly hard week to stay grateful!  April 9th we found out that my Brother-in-Law very likely had cancer.  Then on April 15th, we found out he has a very rare form of Sarcoma cancer.  At times I went for days without writing down the 3 things I was grateful for each day.  The important thing, is that I went back and actually wrote 3 things down for each day I missed. I started my "Year of Thankfulness" on March 20th.  Little did I know at that time, how challenging, yet important it would be for me to continue to be grateful, regardless of the circumstances in my life or in the lives of those I love, and no matter how "down" I felt.  God is Good!  All the Time! 

April 10th

1. Cookie Butter
2. Decaf Coffee
3. The Weekend - After a Very Long Week.

April 11th

1. Natural Vitamin D - NOT in the form of a pill!
2. My "baby" Sister Debbie.
3. My 2.4 lb weight loss.

April 12th

1. Shawn Holtgren - He's a great Friend & Encourager to us - Oh, he Married us too!! ;-)
2. The fact that I don't need bifocals.....yet!
3. Great Vision Insurance.

April 13th

1. Weight Watchers low point, yummy ice cream treats.
2. Two hours of Overtime.
3. Sunshine.

April 14th

1. I got our taxes done/filed.
2. We owed less in taxes than we did last year.
3. My Sunrise Simulator.

April 15th

1. My Awesome Friend Mary
2. My Awesome Friend Alice
3. My Awesome Cousin Chad

April 16th

1. My Co-Worker Beth coming back to work, and lightening my work load.
2. "Oh my God, He will not delay, my refuge and strength, Always!" - Great Lyrics from a song that was on the Radio during my drive home from work. Very timely lyrics!
3. Dinner with a Great Friend - We encouraged each other.  What a Blessing!



Gratitude For God's Gifts of Love to Me - Week 3

My Year of Thanks!

April 3rd - April 9th, 2015

 

"The days when it's hardest to be Thankful, are the days when it's most important to be Thankful."

~Me
 

 

April 3rd

 

1. The Greatest Love Story of All - Jesus dying to give us Eternal Life.
2. Greek Yogurt Whips - It's like having dessert - Yummo!
3. Money to buy the groceries - Blessed!  

 

April 4th

 

1. The gift of WW Meetings - For FREE.
2. The gift of green grass.
3. The Free Fitbit I have that motivates me to keep active.

 

April 5th

 

1. The Resurrection - Oh Happy Day!  Thank you Jesus!
2. My Nephew Joey.
3. A delicious Dinner of stuffed chicken breast made by my Sister - Mashed Potatoes too!  Yummo!

 

April 6th

 

1. My Pillow - Can't sleep without it.
2. The great participation in my 4th Annual Walking Challenge.
3. Freshly cut cantaloupe - Yummy!

 

April 7th

 

1. That God has taught me to take responsibility for my life - It's so much more empowering this way!
2. The cart and stool that "closes the kitchen" and keeps me from eating overnight.
3. The walking path at work - so I can get my steps in even if it's cold and rainy outside.

 

April 8th

 

1. My Spring energy - Even after working 2 hours of OT, walking, and doing yoga - I'm not completely exhausted!
2. Flavored drops - They help me drink the water my body needs.
3. My Spoonk acupressure mat - It helps me relax and fall asleep, eases my stress/anxiety levels, and relieves tension in my upper back/shoulders.

 

April 9th

 

1. Kelly - My dear "Mom" in the Milwaukee area. 
2. Jen - My wonderful friend who comes to my Wednesday Night Small Group.
3. Hope - Given to me thru Christ! No Matter what struggles we go thru, God is there, and everything will be OK.

 

Gratitude For God's Gifts of Love to Me - Week 2

My Year of Thanks!

March 27th - April 2nd, 2015

 

  

March 27th

1. Starbucks - A place to splurge & treat ourselves to yummy goodness every now & then.
2. A paid day off of work - not everyone gets those.
3. Clear weather for our drive to the land of cheese.

March 28th

1. Weight Watchers - It truly has changed our lives and our relationships with food.
2. Budget Cinemas - Where 6 of us could see "Annie" for $12.00.
3. The Blessing of Quality Time with Lexi, Hannah, Tyler, & Myles, our thoughtful & extremely grateful Nieces & Nephews.

March 29th

1. My St. Marcus Friends who still treat me like a part of their Church Family.
2. A safe & uneventful drive home from the Land of Cheese.
3. My heating pad, which helps to relax me & help me fall asleep.

March 30th

1. My Packer Blanket that my Mom made me for our Wedding Shower - it keeps me warm.
2. My "Sister" Sarah - We haven't met in person, but she is a positive influence in my life and I knew her Dad, so I know she's a Strong & Good Person.
3. My Friend Kathy who thought of me when she found a steal deal on rubber stamps, and bought them not knowing if I would want them or not, and was going to return them if I didn't want them.  I do want them! :-)

March 31st

1. The Flylady, who taught me that anyone can do anything for 15 minutes.  I set my timer for 15 minutes to start a seemingly overwhelming task, and in 15 minutes, it's done
2. Pandora - So I can listen to Christian Contemporary Music/80's Music/Etc - all day at work.
3. Longer days - Today was the last day I used my light box for the Season!

April 1st

1. For being outside Today with no coat, with short sleeves, and NOT being Cold!  That hasn't happened since September of last Year!
2. My Small Group Ladies, and how Real, and Open, and Honest we can be with each other.
3. Pulse FM on my TV - Positive, Uplifting, Encouraging Music!

April 2nd

1. I'm Thankful for the Perfect work hours for my body clock - 9:45am - 6:00pm.
2. Electricity - Where would I be without indoor light in the evenings?
3. Indoor Plumbing - Can you tell I'm not a camper?